Is It Better To Hear The Truth?

Friday | July 7, 2017

Love Letters Dating

Is It Better To Hear The Truth?

Hi Meredith,

I’m a 30-ish woman who reconnected with a college friend years ago. After hanging out for a bit, we had a drunken night and fell into a serious friends-with-benefits situation. We spent weekends together, holidays with our families, and traveled.

He just couldn’t commit, but he also didn’t want to let me go. Neither of us dated anyone else, nor did we try. I was OK with it most days, but after it went on for a few years, something had to give. I decided to take a job that required a move. Before I left, we both acknowledged that we had to date other people.

I saw him recently and he told me he had been on a date. We spent time together but it was different. He admitted that he’s into her. I am surprised it happened so quickly.

Here’s the thing: I crave honesty; I almost prize it above all else. My brain tells me that I need this – that him being honest with me and giving me all the gory details (despite breaking my heart) will help me move on, will help make it more real, will help me support him. I just don’t want to be left in the dark, you know? But my heart tells me that this is too much, and that I need to walk away. What do I follow? Brain, heart, neither? Any feedback would be helpful.

– Hurt Snowflake

You’re treating this guy like a best friend even though he is an ex. There wasn’t a title, but he was a partner – for years. When you moved, it was a breakup. A tough one. Please treat it that way.

This question reminds me of one from 2011 – the letter from the woman who wrote in to say that her ex called her “unprogressive” for not being able to pursue a friendship with him. It was as if her unwillingness to put herself in a painful situation said something negative about her character. (His judgement said everything about his.)

In your case, you’re making similar unfair demands of yourself. You don’t want to be in the dark, but there’s no reason for you to deal with this pain. The honest move is to tell him that you’re mourning the loss of the relationship – because you had real feelings – and that you need space.

You don’t have to support him right now. Please support yourself.

– Meredith

Readers? Should she have these details about his new relationship?

Dating

Featured Comment

Want some honesty: you are miffed you settled for friends with benefits status and he appears willing to commit to this other woman. You got strung along hoping he would eventually commit – lesson learned, now move along.

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