Direct messing on a dating app can be more stressful than in-person conversation.

Why? It’s difficult to figure out tone when you’re reading someone’s writing. Also, as the message sender, you know that whatever few cute words you send to someone might become a screenshot, sent to that person’s friend for group for commentary, or, on occasion, misinterpreted.

Not to scare you or anything.

But in person, you get to smile, laugh, ask a question, and know the answer is coming in seconds (as opposed to days, via message). Yes, it’s vulnerable to sit across from someone who’s staring at your face, but it’s human. It’s real. 

Messages are great after you know what a person’s like on a walk or at a coffee shop.

My advice is to continue with the apps, but to ask for dates pretty quickly. While you’re attempting that, practice some small talk, in real life  – maybe with a friend you haven’t seen in forever, a Lyft driver, a person at work, someone in a gym class.

Get used to asking questions and showing interest and warmth. Then you can apply those skills elsewhere.

I know I’ve mentioned this podcast episode before, but long ago, in Season 2, a woman named Nicole told a story – on an episode called “Benchwarming” – about how she joined a bunch of clubs to find a boyfriend, She wasn’t successful – it turned out there were mostly other straight women at these gatherings – but by constantly being around strangers, Nicole wound up learning how to interact with someone new.

That helped a lot when she randomly met the guy who’s now her husband.

Practicing makes things easier. Go for it.

– Meredith