Are my standards high or impossible?
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Q.
What is to be done about having high standards? I generally think I’m doing quite well with life. I’m successful in my career, I’m a compassionate person, I have a fairly good relationship with my family, I seem to understand emotions well, etc. The issue is that I don’t seem to meet many people I feel compatible with.
I struggle to strike a balance between having standards that I genuinely feel are rational, and “settling.” Nobody is perfect, yet I don’t know what to do about feeling like I don’t meet many people I am excited about. What is better – being alone and lonely while having the possibility of a future relationship or to have a relationship that doesn’t really feel “complete”? I don’t know what to do about all this.
There’s part of me that goes on dates and I quickly realize that I feel “out of their league” and at a very different place in life, but I also don’t want to be too critical or judgmental. This balance feels impossible for me. Help!
– Standards
A.
“The issue is that I don’t seem to meet many people I feel compatible with.”
That sounds about right. If everyone was compatible with a bunch of people, there wouldn’t be a zillion novels and TV shows about how hard it is to find love. It’s a common experience, to feel like no one is a match.
It can be depressing and exhausting, which is why people take breaks from dating. It’s also why it feels so nice when someone shows up and seems to have potential.
The only thing I worry about in your letter is the phrase “out of their league.” It seems you never feel the other way around. Ask yourself what being “in your league” means, and whether your checklist for “standards” are missing the point.
All I’m saying is that the person who is hot, makes money, and went to a fancy college … might not be funny. They might not come up with an incredibly interesting thing about dinner. I know people who married someone in their league, and years later were like, “Huh. I could have used better company.”
Do not settle. It’s always better to be single than with coupled with the wrong person. Also, being single can be the best. But do try to go into dates curious about why the other person might be interesting. Leave with some answers. A change of attitude might show you that some of these people are, at the very least, kind of great to be around.
– Meredith
Readers? How do you know if your standards are actually barriers to happiness?
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