Am I falling behind in dating?
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Q.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m falling behind and soon there will be no way to catch up.
I’m in my mid-20s and pretty inexperienced with dating. I flip flop between wanting desperately some sort of romantic companionship and being extremely independent and unwilling to bend my life in anyway.
I fear that I’ll be stuck like this – content to be alone because it’s easier than trying not to be. I think I get into a spiral of believing there are all these obstacles in my way (how I look, how I spend my time, my level of patience) that make it impossible for anything to ever change. How do you break out of that trap once you’ve placed yourself in it?
– Stuck Like This
A.
You’re not falling behind.
Some people spend their 20s focused on romance. Others aren’t ready for that until they’re over 40. Many realize that dating is something they want to do on occasion – but that romantic relationships aren’t the center of their universe. It’s all good.
The troubling part of your letter is your concern about being stuck – and your general attitude about trying something new. There are a million reasons why you might not like a new job, move, friendship, or vacation. But you pursue those things, right? You hope for the best and dive in, I assume.
Why can’t dating be the same? You can match with someone on an app and maybe have a date. Then you can have a second – but only if you want to. It’s all experience, even if it results in an hour of discomfort (and you racing home at the end of the night because you’d rather be in elastic pants).
My advice is to think less about the possible highs and lows – to stop making lists of obstacles – and instead, just do the thing. Go out with someone or don’t. Ask yourself, “Would I be considering all possible outcomes ahead of time if it were any other random pursuit?”
So much of the dating experience is out of your control. But you can work on going into new experiences with a clear head, so you’re able to enjoy and listen. No playing out scenarios ahead of time.
I say this with love – because I get it (trust me) – but it sounds like you’re making yourself less patient. You’re not stuck, there are as many opportunities as there are obstacles, and … who knows what will happen? It’s all open-ended.
– Meredith
Readers? This is an understandable mindset about dating. How do you get out of it?
Also send your own question! I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].
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