Why Am I Always In The Friend Zone?

Thursday | September 3, 2020

Love Letters Dating

Why Am I Always In The Friend Zone?

Chat at 1 p.m. Send your own relationship questions to [email protected].

Hi Meredith,

I was hoping for some advice about how to come off as a romantic interest to people I meet, rather than just someone to be friends with. I’m in my senior year of college and I have a mostly male group of friends. It’s not an “I’m not like other girls” type of thing: I’m pretty conventionally girly in most ways, I think. I just got to college vaguely willing to nod along to guys quoting Christopher Nolan movies at each other all evening and now here I am.

My problem is that these days I immediately get this crappy “one of the dudes” designation, and not just around people who already know me. It seems like people I meet enjoy my company but it doesn’t seem to occur to anyone that I’m a romantic option. I don’t know how to go about implying this, short of fashioning some sort of “I, too, am open for business” sign to my shirt.

I also end up in the room when groups of guys start talking about my female friends, and I feel like I’ve been given the wrong costume in a really bad production of “Grease.” It’s not that I’m advocating for a return to cigars and sewing in separate parlors, it’s just that I’m starting to feel like I’m stuck on the wrong side of the room for some reason and I’m missing out as a result. Is there some sort of sexy-voice-modulator I missed the memo on?

— ievenwearcontacts

Thank you for mentioning “Grease” and Christopher Nolan in the same letter. The mashups that have taken over my brain are epic.

My thoughts:

1. It helps to talk about your wants, needs, interests, etc. Friends, no matter who they are, might not assume you’re looking for romance if it never comes up. There is nothing wrong with telling people you’re open for business. It’s worth doing – not necessarily because you want to date them, in particular, but because it helps the people who care about you understand who you are. You’re not just an audience.

2. Many years ago, when I first learned that college students used dating apps, I was surprised. Actually, I was a bit depressed about it. I thought, “Why do they need this service? College is one of the few times in life where people are most likely surrounded by single people who are right around their age!” But dating apps do open the pool, especially in a city like Boston where there are many campuses in the same place. They also give you a way to find people who will know you’re showing up for more than friendship. You might benefit from finding a platform that asks you to share your intentions, in writing, right off the bat.

3. I’m not going to tell you to spend less time with your best friends. Nor do I believe you have to surrounded yourself with a bunch of straight women if you want to find men. I do think that you could benefit from having a larger circle – because it sounds like your group is a little limiting. I mean, quoting movies all night is great. But other people, new people, might broaden your college experience. I know it’s difficult to make new connections right now, but please ask for outdoor coffee outings, walks … whatever you can pull off with new people of interest. Make it clear to them that you’re wondering how to date, especially now.

And please tell your inner circle that when they see “Tenet,” they must wear a mask. Be safe.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you break out of the “just a friend” role? Does it require telling people what you want?

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