Afraid To Ask Where We Stand

Thursday | October 22, 2015

Love Letters Dating

Afraid To Ask Where We Stand

Hi Meredith,

A few years ago, I met a guy after a tough breakup. He is older and charming, and was the perfect distraction. While we got along, it was clear that it was not going to lead to dating by any means, which was fine by me. Fast forward and things sort of fizzled and we both went on to date other people. When those respective relationships ended, we ended up in touch again.

Whereas before it had been less about the intellectual and emotional stuff, this time around a real friendship emerged. We share a lot about ourselves and what’s going on in our lives but never talk about how we feel about each other. There have been a few things that have happened since we’ve been spending time together again that have seemed like red flags, but I have been able to explain them away — he’s scared, I’m too young for him, he doesn’t know how I feel. It’s getting harder and harder, though, but I’m afraid to say anything because I don’t want it to go away entirely and for him to think I’m just some crazy girl who has feelings he doesn’t have.

Unfortunately we have a lot of connections to each other so it would be hard to just lay it on the table and then quietly disappear if he doesn’t feel the same way. Do I ask him how he feels? Just move on without saying anything?

— Time to talk?

“I’m afraid to say anything because I don’t want … him to think I’m just some crazy girl who has feelings he doesn’t have.”

It’s not crazy to have feelings. It’s not crazy to question the nature of a relationship that’s growing in ways you never expected. Don’t let your fear of rejection (or your age difference) stop you from having adult conversation about your status. Asking for answers is never easy, but this discussion should be simple. You can say, “This time around, things feel different — and I like that. How does it feel to you?”

You say that your connections make things difficult, but I’d argue that you’re already there. No matter what happens, you’re going to have to deal with each other. You might as well know where you stand.

Readers? Should she bring this up? How will he respond?

— Meredith

Dating

Featured Comment

You are trying to read his mind. People are terrible mind readers. You can’t read his mind. He can’t read your mind. If you could you wouldn’t have written this letter. You should Google communications styles. You will find out that assertive communications is the most effective communications style. In your case assertive communications means talking with your friend and telling him that you want to be more than friends. This won’t make you look like you’re just some crazy girl. This will make you someone who knows what they want and is willing to go after what they want.

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