At 39, I Feel Invisible

Wednesday | April 26, 2017

Love Letters Dating

At 39, I Feel Invisible

Dear Meredith,

I’m 39 and have been single for something like four years now. Dating used to be a fairly exciting, positive, and rewarding experience. However, as years progress and I’m creeping closer to 40, I get fewer requests for dates and am less in demand. Nothing about my situation has changed drastically; I work in academia, I hear I’m attractive, I believe I’m kind, thoughtful, etc. Even so, the people I find interesting and would want to pursue seemingly are no longer looking for me; they either want to meet someone who’ll be in a position to start a family on a very specific timeline, or have already done that and are looking for casual encounters (nothing serious!).

I’m indifferent about producing children, which used to work in my favor with men. That’s no longer true. I’m beyond tired of short-term and casual relationships. That was fun before, but now just feels like killing time. For context, I *have* dated single dads, the recently divorced, and ethically non-monogamous men in an effort to give myself more options. I’m convinced I find myself in an invisible population of women. Who’s looking to date me? I really have no idea. Maybe you or your readers can offer some suggestions. Perhaps this is how women turn to cradle robbing or find themselves paired off with senior citizens. How much do you have to “expand your options” before you run the risk of settling? Is it time to embrace cynical spinsterhood?

– Invisible

This column has taught me that people can feel hopeless about dating at any age. At 22, letter writers complain that their peers are too casual. At 25, no one knows themselves well enough to commit. At 30, they feel too much pressure to get married. At 35, everybody’s stressed about kids. At 40, people have trouble combining their lives. It never stops.

I promise you that there are people of all ages who will read this letter and long to be in your shoes. You enjoy your life, you’re confident, and you aren’t dating with any deadlines in mind. It’s a good place to be.

I won’t pretend that your dating pool is the same as it was when you were 29, but I will say this: The people you meet, the ones around your age, should have a better sense of what they’re looking for than they did 10 years ago. The quantity isn’t there, but you might be more likely to find a real match.

Also, expanding your options doesn’t have to be an age thing. Maybe it’s a geography thing, or about signing up for more apps and activities.

Really, I don’t think you’re at risk for settling. You didn’t do it in your 20s (or 30s), which means you’d rather just keep dating than couple off with the wrong partner.

– Meredith

Readers? How else can she expand her horizons?

Dating