He Hasn’t Been Supportive During My Grief

Monday | August 7, 2017

Love Letters Dating

He Hasn’t Been Supportive During My Grief

Hi,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost four years and we live together. Recently, we’ve had a lot of problems. In May, one of my best friends died, and the loss has been very difficult. She was only 29 and her death was sudden; we were always there for each other and in touch all day. I feel like I have this giant hole in my heart, and my boyfriend has not really been there for me emotionally. He has actually been quite cold.

I have asked to spend more time with him (going for a walk, making dinner together, even just sitting together) because I don’t want to be alone in my own head. One of his first responses to this request was that he’d given me enough of his time and that he needed to unwind from work. I started crying, it escalated, and he told me to leave our apartment. I drove around feeling like I had no one to call.

Then I started thinking: Were these disconnects already there in our relationship, and now they are just more apparent because I don’t have my friend to give helpful advice or listen to me when I am sad? Or am I just going through a rough patch that my boyfriend doesn’t understand because he has never even lost a grandparent? I don’t want to throw away our relationship if it’s just going to make this time harder. But whenever he is going through something, I drop everything and I’m there for him.

– Cold

Your romantic partner doesn’t have to be your everything. Not everyone is good at being a primary confidant.

But your boyfriend should be giving you some support. At the very least, he should be capable of kindness and empathy during one of the most difficult periods of your life. What has he done to show that he’s there for you? Have you let him know what’s worked?

As you consider the question, please look into getting some professional help, even if it’s in the form of a bereavement group. People in a state of grief are often advised to avoid big decisions. Sometimes, though, a loss gives you clarity. Go talk about whether it’s time for a big change, and how you can navigate your relationship over the next few months.

Also, if it feels good to visit family or friends for a few nights, do it. Sometimes other faces – and a change of scenery – can give you some perspective.

– Meredith

Readers? Should she make a decision about her relationship right now?

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