Is He Leading Me On?

Thursday | December 8, 2016

Love Letters Dating

Is He Leading Me On?

Hey Meredith,

I’m a 20-year-old woman who’s had a few terrible relationships – but that hasn’t stopped me from wanting to be happy with somebody. I have been working at my new job for a few months now and have become really good friends with a chef who is a few years older than me. We spend time together every weekend with our mutual friends.

A few weeks ago, I spent the night at his house after a night out, but nothing happened. He was a gentleman about it, making sure I had a blanket to keep me warm. We watched a film and had a cuddle before falling asleep. We’d both been drinking, so if anything more was to happen, there’d have been an opportunity for it. I am already aware that this man is not sure what he wants; he was hurt by his ex, which I totally understand. Sometimes I get the impression that he may not be that interested in me after all, so I distance myself from him, but he always seems to come back.

Recently, we all got very drunk and he took me outside for a chat. He asked if I was OK and I said yes. Then then kissed me – and a lot of our work friends saw. We spent most of the night dancing and kissing. But I’m concerned: Was this just because he was drunk? He has told me in the past that he doesn’t want a relationship because he wants to focus on his career as a chef, which is more than understandable – I’m not in a rush either.

I’m going to his place this Friday to watch movies. Should I just enjoy having fun with him or do I risk being led on?

– Led On?

You need to figure out what you want. You say you’re not in a rush, but that you don’t want to be led on. So … what’s the best-case scenario for the relationship? Are you open to a friends-with-benefits arrangement? Do you want to date, but not exclusively? What’s the goal?

Once you know how you feel, you can talk to him about what’s happening. Just say (on Friday, if it makes sense), “Hey, what are we doing here?” Let him know that “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer. If you can ask questions and be honest with each other, that’s a start.

It’ll help if you have this conversation without alcohol. If you start talking about this after a few drinks, you’ll have to question his intentions all over again.

– Meredith

Readers? What’s the goal here?

Dating Crush

Featured Comment

You say you aren’t in a rush, but you sound more interested in a relationship than that. If you’re able to hang out, enjoy things as they happen, and can view this guy as a good friend you’re having fun with, do that. If your feelings are stronger than that – or have the potential to be stronger than that – you need to face up to the fact that he’s already said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Take him at his word despite the kisses until he tells you otherwise. In other words, listen and don’t be distracted by your own feelings and you won’t be led on.

Ellleem Share Thoughts