She Didn’t Tell Me She Was In Therapy

Thursday | November 17, 2016

Love Letters Dating

She Didn’t Tell Me She Was In Therapy

Meredith,

I found out that my girlfriend of more than a year has started counseling with a therapist we used as a our couples counselor on three occasions. She didn’t tell me she was seeing this counselor until it “slipped out.” Ironically, she stated that she is going to this counselor to help her communicate.

We set many boundaries at the start of our relationship, including some about lying, and I cannot tell you how many times the line has been crossed. Each time she says, “I won’t do it again,” or “I didn’t know.” In my job, I literally get paid to listen to people. I feel that I am incredibly easy to talk to and that I am very understanding. Is it time to let go because of her continued lies and forgetfulness?

– Looking for the end or a new beginning

She’s allowed to get counseling without telling you about it. You don’t get to know everything about her life, and it sounds like she needed to start this process on her own terms. Instead of focusing on why she didn’t tell you everything on your schedule, ask her how she’s doing. Ask her if she’s OK.

As you get answers, think about what you’re doing in this relationship to begin with. You mention boundaries, lies, forgetfulness, and couples counseling, and the relationship is only about a year old. There is no joy in your letter, no mention of love. If you can’t come up with as many paragraphs about why you’re with her, you probably shouldn’t be.

Also, no matter what happens with this person, please think about the assumptions you make about what you bring to a relationship. You say you’re easy to talk to because of your job, but you have to consider that it might not translate. If someone’s not telling you things, it’s a good time to ask why. “Am I easy to talk to? Am I understanding?” Never assume you have all the answers.

– Meredith

Readers? Should she have disclosed the therapy?

Dating

Featured Comment

You sound very controlling. Which might explain why she didn’t tell you about her therapy sessions. When you say

We set many boundaries…u0022 are you sure you aren’t referring just to yourself? As in you set the terms of the relationship and she went along with it. Try and be more supportive and ask questions instead of coming across as judge and jury. None of us are perfect after all.u0022 – PatsFan79 Share Thoughts