My girlfriend of nearly two years broke up with me a few weeks ago. We were madly in love until we had a few small fights over the last few months (mostly about compromises I was selfishly unwilling to make). I’m 30, she’s 28. We had been planning on moving in together for quite some time. When I found out that her job would be relocating about an hour away from Boston, I cringed at the thought of adding to my already grueling commute. I kept this to myself, thinking that I would be OK, but I wasn’t. When it came time to sign a lease at the halfway point between my job and her new workplace, I got cold feet and backed out.

We fought, reconciled, and I agreed to it under duress, because I faced losing our relationship for good if I didn’t. I got cold feet once again because the idea of adding two hours to my daily commute (about 25 miles each way in rush hour) was just too much to handle. Leaving at 6 a.m. and getting home at 8 p.m. each day didn’t sound like a life to me. I voiced this too, but at this point, she was livid. I know I screwed up, and my selfishness caused this.

In the weeks since our breakup, we’ve barely spoken (a few texts and one in-person conversation where I acknowledged I was wrong, voiced my desire and willingness to work on the issues – mostly my selfishness and lack of communication). She says she’s not sure how she feels, but that she just doesn’t trust me like she did. This kills me because I have never cheated or done anything maliciously to damage our trust; I simply got cold feet.

While we were fighting/not speaking months ago after I got cold feet, I took a non-overnight trip to another city to interview for a job I didn’t wind up getting. I never told her about this because we weren’t speaking for the week. When she found out about it later, she was rightfully upset with me and claimed she could no longer trust me.

Bottom line is that I do love her very much, and I know that I’ve damaged our relationship. My thoughts initially were that it was repairable, but after our in-person meeting, I’m not so sure. I’ve been working on myself since the breakup – going through the list of things she wanted me to do (re-visit a therapist because I always bring work home). I’ve been great about giving her the space she asked for, and I can read her signals fairly well. One thing that has me confused is that she said there was a long road ahead of winning back not only her, but her family and friends, as well. I realize that emotions are still high and she may not have been thinking before speaking, but why would she even say anything about winning her back if she weren’t considering it?

Again, I know I was in the wrong here. My plan was to continue giving her space to see if she comes to me or not, especially now knowing my intentions. Is that the best idea?

– Cold Feet