Why do I stay with my partner?
Thinking about a crush, single life, a breakup, a complicated friendship, dating, a divorce, doing none of the above? What’s on your mind? Send your own letter here – or to [email protected].
Q.
My partner and I have been together for 24 years. We are in our early 70s and not married. I wish I could say we are in love but it’s more of a companionship. I cannot tell you how alone I feel in this relationship, but I can’t seem to change things. Very soon in our relationship I realized that I should get out but I kept thinking he just might begin to want to spend more time with me. In short order, after having great sex, he decided he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore. Even after begging for sex, he refused me. I was devastated and thought I should ask him to leave but I just let it go. Why didn’t I leave? Even now I’d love to have sex.
I guess I have an undiagnosed abandonment issue that has kept me striving to make a go of it. I tried to change myself so that he would pay attention to me. We both have grandchildren and have fun with them, love them, but rarely see my own except for Christmas and a bit in the summer. I feel so sad about that. I don’t want to spend the rest of my short life in a relationship with so little connection. We watch TV and enjoy the grandchildren but I want more….
I make all the suggestions to get out. Sometimes he’ll go along, but mostly he’s content to stay put. We often butt heads. I know I am resentful about the way he can’t express his feelings for me let alone much affection. I find ways to be busy because I know we don’t seem to meet each others needs. It feels like we are in a place where can coexist and be somewhat happy even with all of this.
Why can’t I leave?
– Sigh
A.
Inertia is powerful.
Mix inertia with a fear of being alone (and abandoned) and the result might be this letter.
My advice? Tell a loved one – perhaps a friend or a grown kid – that you want to make plans to leave your relationship. Ask this person whether they can support you, even with a phone call here and there, or by letting you stay with them for a few days as you move your life around.
I’m all for accountability partners. If you don’t have a grown kid who can deal with this kind of personal information, or any friends you trust in your local circle, reach out to an older friend. You need a small team for this. Connect.
You also need a calendar. This plan should have real dates on it. I love June for moves.
By the way, you can add fun stuff to that calendar, too – trips and events you’ll enjoy as you move on.
Start reaching out to the professional helpers your might need – a mover, maybe a finance person, a realtor. Those experts can be fantastic with guidance. I’ve found that movers have more breakup skills than anyone. They’ve seen so many.
Once you have a plan to make a change, you might become an object in motion.
Find an audience, decide on next steps, and write it down. You can do this – and you want to.
– Meredith
Readers, how do you leave if you keep … not leaving?
Thinking about a breakup, a complicated friendship, dating, a divorce, doing none of the above? What’s on your mind? Send your own letter here – or to [email protected].
Be civil. Be kind.
Read our full community guidelines.To comment, please create a screen name in your profile
To comment, please verify your email address