A.

Sure. I’ll start. 

I do hear from former boyfriends/crushes from time to time.

It happened a few times during lockdown, probably because people were bored, taking stock of their lives, and trying to think about anything but the same kitchen table they’d been staring at for the better part of a year.

In most cases, I was pleased to hear from them – because I was bored, too. Also, I was long over them.

Worth mentioning: none of these people would have made my list of “bad boyfriends.” They were simply people from the past who maybe hurt my feelings, but also taught me lessons.

I do have one or two people I never want to hear from. They have not reached out, maybe because they know they’re on the “never” list. Or maybe they don’t think of me at all. But I am grateful it’s never happened. If they did decided to send a note, I wouldn’t respond.

One thing I’ll say is that when I do hear from an ex, and it feels totally random (like, they’re not someone who became a friend), I try to ask about their real lives. I say, “Tell me about your wife! Your wonderful kids! Where you live!” It keeps everything grounded, and no one gets confused by nostalgia. 

My take on this – if your note is in the form of a question (and clearly you’ve thought about why your ex did this) – is that if someone tells you they never want to hear from you again, believe them. If you hurt someone terribly and you’re checking in for your own curiosity, maybe don’t. If you care for the person from afar and want to send nice wishes, sure, why not. 

If you receive a message from an ex and it upsets you, send it to spam. Usually that’s all it is.

– Meredith

Readers? Share your tales. We do get a lot of letters about hearing from an ex or reaching out to an ex. There are many ways to keep in touch these days, but … to what end?

And send your own question. I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].