Why am I still in this relationship?
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Q.
Been with my girlfriend for almost eight years now. The first four were awesome, then I relapsed and struggled to get sober. She constantly says she can’t trust me and while yes, I made mistakes, she has also done some unsavory things. She sent nudes to other guys, particularly ones I warned her had bad intentions.
Our sex life is non-existent. We’ve have not-so-great sex about four times a year for the last three years.
I keep remembering things how they were. Am I fool for continuing to chase this? I have stopped asking friends for advice because they all say she’s cheating and what a fool I am.
– Meredith
A.
I don’t know that I’d use the word fool (very Shakespearean, though).
You’re hopeful. Or maybe self-punishing?
Perhaps you believe you should have to work this hard for love because of what you put your girlfriend through four years ago.
Or maybe you’re a creature of habit and can’t imagine being without the person you’ve known for the better part of a decade.
I can’t explain what fuels your need to stick around. All I can say is that you seem to want stability – but you’re not finding it with your longtime partner. Leaving might seem like the shakier, scarier option, but it doesn’t have to be. You have friends who will help, it seems.
This routine has become what you do, but if you break it, there will be time for so many more things. New friends. New hobbies. Self-care. Better relationships.
Sit with a friend and talk about what you’d need to do (in practical terms) to leave the relationship.
Hop on the bus, make a new plan (Stan), etc.
– Meredith
Readers? What fuels the need to stick around? What are next steps for leaving? How do you do this in a healthy way? Send your own letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.
Be civil. Be kind.
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