What's your take on friendship after this breakup?

Friday | October 25, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

What’s your take on friendship after this breakup?

I’m a college senior. I have listened to your podcast for years. I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years; we’ll call him “X”. I have known X for over a decade – so over half of my life. We were friends first, especially in the later years in high school. We began dating the summer after freshman year.

I do love him. I don’t doubt that for a minute – but I also don’t doubt that I needed to break up with him. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first… other stuff, but this last year was a series of highs and lows: while the highs were high, the lows were lower, and he left me sobbing and feeling alone many times.

I’ve spent a year giving my whole heart in trying to fix the troubles, but it often felt like it was just me working/breaking/struggling, and after one final call where I told him I was struggling and was told that it was my fault, I knew this wouldn’t work, at least, not now.

Since then, I’ve been doing better, honestly. I feel more free in planning next year, I feel less anxious, I feel more excited about my senior year.

After all of that word-vomit, here’s my question: When I told him we were done, he asked if we could still be friends. To be frank, I was shocked: While coming to terms with the fact that we had to be done, one of the hardest parts was the fact that I believed that no matter what happened, we could no longer be friends, not because I didn’t want to, but I believed that he wouldn’t want to: so I agreed. But, do you think this is a good idea? I’m concerned.

I still love him, and I know that he still loves me. But while I’m certain that we should not be dating now (like, within the next two years at least). He is not happy about the breakup. I want to be 20, to figure out what I actually may want long-term, and learn what other relationships are like. And I do not believe that should I start to see other people we could be friends. Advice? I don’t want to loose my friend, but I also don’t know if I’m asking to have my cake and eat it too at his expense. (Also, love the show).

– On My Own

I will tell you a story.

I remember sitting with an ex – someone who’d just broken up with me – and I was asking for friendship. Not because I was ready for friendship and thought it was a healthy move, but because I loved this person and did not want to to lose him from my life.

I remember saying to him something like, “But … I want us to know each other when we’re old.”

And he said, with a good amount of confidence, “We can know each other when we’re old.” He seemed surprised that I assumed the opposite.

He helped me realize that was that I was trying to get through the immediate future, but he was truly understanding the long road ahead of us. He knew that we might go years without talking, then run into each other at a bar, then catch up, then have lunch then become true platonic friends. Or some version of that.

It was so helpful for me to see this big picture – that the decision to take a break from each other’s daily lives didn’t prohibit us from knowing each other forever.

Now we’re friends, by the way. I don’t talk to him often, but when I do, it’s lovely.

Thinking about our ages now, his prediction was true. Many years later, we do know each other, and we are old! 🙂

I wonder if you might say something similar to your ex, if it feels sincere. You could tell him that you hope to know him forever – and forever is a long time. You can say he’s a huge part of your history, and that you need a bit of space to figure out who you are on your own. But at some point, you hope it’ll all make sense – how to talk, how to be friends, and how to honor how important you’ve been to each other.

But for now, you’re not ready. He might not like that, but it’s a necessary step. You can say all of those kind things now, but please know it might take him some months to truly understand your message.

Basically, you’re not wrong. Go out on your own. Find your life.

– Meredith

Readers? The LW is right … right? But how do you explain this to an ex you care about?

Also, send your own question. I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

As the old adage goes, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you its meant to be. You can take this time for yourself and perhaps even end up back together down the road. You can remain friendly, without being friends or being in each others daily lives.

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