Dear Meredith,

I’m having trouble navigating the limbo I’m in with my former boyfriend, B. B is my first serious relationship. We really love each other, though we’ve certainly had problems. B and I have been together for about two years and go to different colleges. He was pretty experienced before we met, while I’ve had hardly any sexual experience outside of our relationship.

Recently we’d been having more conflicts because we were stressed about schoolwork, and it’s been difficult to maintain intimacy with the distance. We decided to break up but still stay in contact and be “casual,” thinking there was a good chance we’d get back together this summer, when it would be less stressful and we’d be in the same place for a few months. Things were going surprisingly well. As a “casual” couple, there was less pressure, and we were just able to just relax and enjoy each other’s company. But I also felt a little bit weird about it. Part of me wondered if it might have been cleaner to just break up and then get back together fully and have a new start (if we got back together at all).

I also found myself wondering why he was being so much more present and affectionate AFTER breaking up. Things were going well … until a recent night when I decided to hook up with a friend (whom I will refer to as R). For me it was just an experience and a step toward independence. Given the status of my relationship with B, it might have been OK, however, a few things make it varying degrees of wrong. When we broke up, B said he did not want me to hook up with R. R never had much regard for our relationship and had done things things that crossed boundaries. So while it’s not really B’s business what I do when we’re not in an exclusive relationship, it clearly has consequences as far as us getting back together goes. Also, R was technically still in a relationship, though he had planned to break up with his then-girlfriend (and did). So I helped him cheat – which is unforgivable to me.

I ended up telling B the next day. B has lost a lot of respect for me; he knows my thoughts on fidelity and was shocked that I would help someone cheat. I also think he is very surprised and hurt that I actually hooked up with someone so soon, considering my history of not hooking up. He has concluded that I’m more volatile, and that makes the prospect of being in a relationship with me less desirable. But at the same time, he seems to want to continue the (now truly) casual relationship we have. Part of me wants to ask him to either commit to working through this together or give up entirely. But another part of me thinks that I should just wait it out and see how things go after he’s cooled down a bit. What do you think I should do? When is it time to give up and move on?

– Lost in Limbo