Hello Meredith,

My (ex?) partner/fiance of half a decade asked me to go on a break in September. Prior to this, he was a very committed, caring, and loving partner, and I love him deeply. He moved internationally for me and we were best friends. I found it really easy to talk to him at the beginning of our relationship and appreciated his sensitivity. We didn’t start planning our wedding because we both wanted to save money for it and establish our careers. Most of our arguments revolved around his lack of initiative in planning quality time together and my need to have lots of friends and family around our house (I am quite extroverted while he is an introvert). Over time, they also centered around his lack of communication and stonewalling, which made me feel anxious.

His reasoning for the break is that he has to “find himself” because he “lost who he is” in the relationship and isn’t sure what he wants right now. He said that he needs to determine whether he’s better with me or on his own, as he values his independence and “self-reliance” and feels as though this relationship “emotionally drains” him. He gave me a list of things he’d want me to work on during this break, including becoming more financially independent (I recently graduated and he’s been working for a while). Based on attachment styles, I would describe myself as a fearful avoidant and him as a dismissive avoidant.

Notably, he has gone back and forth on the duration for the break; first, it would be for an “indeterminate amount of time depending on how we feel” and then, it was until he moved back to the same city as me (this year).

When we still lived together, he displayed contradicting behaviors. Sometimes he would avoid me completely, and others he would want to spend more time together like a couple (e.g., dinner dates, cuddling). He would say he wanted to be with me one minute, and the other that he was “70 percent sure” he wanted to be alone, and didn’t to “waste either of our time.” He kept making this statement that “we’re separated” and in a “gray area.” He’s also made a point of not telling his family and friends of the situation and has, instead, said we are figuring things out since we live in two different cities right now. We said we wouldn’t date other people during this time.

We initially agreed to check in with each other during this time apart, however he messaged me once asking me for someone’s contact and neither of us have reached out to the other in six weeks. I don’t feel that it’s my place to reach out to him since he asked for the break and for time alone. Quite frankly, I’m also scared of the prospect of facing more rejection from him.

I have mixed feelings about this situation. On one hand, I love him a lot and truly see him as my life partner. Therefore, I am partly willing to make the sacrifice and give him the space if that’s what he genuinely needs. On the other, he used to be very devoted and committed to me. This shift of behavior makes me concerned that his intentions are to break up but he is afraid to let go and is opting for a “slow fade” instead. Overall, I don’t think I deserve this treatment. Moreover, I’ve had a few men show interest in me, an, while I don’t feel ready to date right now, I find it difficult to explain this situation to them and to my family/friends.

What do you think? Is he just slowly fading? Do I assume this relationship is over and move on with my life or do I make the sacrifice and wait it out?

– Waiting