Was Breaking Up The Best Decision?

Wednesday | September 6, 2023

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Was Breaking Up The Best Decision?

It’s back-to-school, clean-slate time. Submit your question about your relationship/dating/single life here. You can also email [email protected].

Dear Meredith,

Yesterday I broke up with the guy I was seeing for the past two and a half months. We are both in our 40s. I have two children I share part-time with my ex. The guy I was seeing doesn’t have any kids and has never been married.

We met organically when we kept bumping into each other on the streets of Brooklyn. That’s quite unusual, so it was hard not to become curious. One day he stopped me and asked me out. It was great for some time, meeting every four to five days for dinners, drinks, and sleepovers. Texts a few times every one to two days. Sharing music, movies, things we like. We seemed to have a lot of tastes and interests in common.

The thing is, the relationship didn’t seem to be advancing the way I wanted it to. The frequency of everything remained the same – one to two texts every couple of days, dinners and drinks every four to five. I wanted the intimacy to grow, the connection to improve, and it didn’t feel like that was happening. I wasn’t feeling comfortable and relaxed. Instead, it started to feel frustrating and superficial.

The last time we went out felt uninteresting. He has the tendency to talk to everyone everywhere we go, and that last night it was too much. The conversations were focused on other people around us, instead of about us or between us. It was boring to, say the least. It was also my birthday, so my expectations were higher. He will be perfect for someone who can appreciate that type of extrovert.

I explained myself through text the following morning and wished him the best. I realize I could have done that better; I think I was pissed. He seemed surprised at first but then basically said we are obviously not a match after all. Our text conversation could have been a call and maybe things would have been different. But I don’t know, maybe that felt too vulnerable, and I was already half out the door, and he didn’t stop me.

I think I did the right thing for me, but the loss of what could have been is still painful. Being intimate with someone develops all kinds of feelings in me that I can’t just switch off instantly. All the could-have-beens that will no longer be. My question to you is, did I honor myself by deciding how I didn’t want to feel with a partner, or did I jump ship too soon without giving this relationship a proper chance? Was I too afraid of being vulnerable in a conversation, and maybe not being met with reciprocal feelings?

– Jumped Ship

You were bored and restless for understandable reasons. By the end of this relationship, you knew why a breakup made sense.

It doesn’t sound like you were protecting yourself by avoiding emotional risks. Had he asked you deep questions, you would have answered. Had he wanted to see you more during the week, you would have tried to find ways.

Yes, an in-person breakup would have been a good idea (please learn that lesson), but it wouldn’t have changed who he was.

Why do you feel so unsettled? This sounds like buyer’s remorse, but for a breakup. Many big decisions will come with a period of overwhelming doubt, even if you did the right thing. Part of the problem here is that you didn’t know this man as well as you wanted to, which means it’s easier to ask, “Wait, did I miss something great?”

Give yourself time to get over the second-guessing and try not to change the story. Don’t pretend he had qualities he never showed you.

Make room for loneliness and disappointment. It’s sad to look at a phone and see no texts. It’s a bummer to have an open week without plans because the person you were dating is no longer there.

Also, it’s an anticlimactic end to a really great meet-cute. Who meets on the streets of Brooklyn theses days? What are you, Harry and Sally? It’s too bad it didn’t lead to cinematic bliss. But it’s a good reminder that origin stories don’t mean very much. Maybe you’d be better off connecting with someone while doing an activity that requires deeper talk, or on an app where you can find out who’s willing to ask interesting questions.

Let yourself feel OK about moving on.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you stop the second-guessing? Would an in-person breakup changed things?

Birthday disappointment Breakups 🖤 Single parents

Featured Comment

Uh .. exactly WHAT were your expectations for a birthday celebration with a guy you literally met off-the-street, who you had been dating less than 90 days?? I think you need to lower your expectations of the next fella. This ship has sailed.

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