This Breakup Has Me Wondering: Am I A Terrible Person?

Friday | October 28, 2022

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

This Breakup Has Me Wondering: Am I A Terrible Person?

What’s your relationship or single-life problem? What’s stressing you out and on your mind? Send a question about it to [email protected] or fill out this form.

I ended my relationship abruptly two months ago and it has caused me to question my judgement and character. Every day I brood over my decision and feel hopeless about the future of my love life.

I loved this girl. We were together for eight months and and we were planning on moving in with each other. But there were a lot of things going on in both of our personal lives that made me feel emotionally overwhelmed and like I couldn’t be there in the way that she needed. So I pulled the plug in the blink of an eye.

In the six weeks leading up to us breaking up, we were consistently arguing, primarily over little things. Arguments would sometimes lead to her asking if I was thinking about breaking up with her, which I wasn’t. But I reached a tipping point when she asked me that question during our final argument, and I told her that we should. And it came to an end.

I want to reach out to her and apologize and tell her that I feel like a coward for the way I ended it, but she has gone no-contact and blocked me on everything. I can’t forgive myself and feel like an awful human. I can’t stop thinking about it every moment. Am I a terrible person? I feel as though there is no way for me to move on. What do you suggest that I do?

– Guilty

I wonder whether the plan to move in together was one of the causes of this breakup. That’s a big step, and you hadn’t even been together a year. Perhaps the talk of cohabitation made the stressful parts of life seem bigger.

If you wanted her back, I might tell you to reach out. If you said, “I’d like to try again without as much pressure,” I might advise sending a message. But you don’t want this relationship to continue. Even if you’d done a better job with the breakup, I’m not sure she would have forgiven you in the moment. She would have been upset and in pain no matter what.

You can forgive yourself, though, and consider everything you’ve learned. Now you know you’re not comfortable making a quick decision during an argument. You understand that if someone keeps asking, “Are you going to break up with me?,” it could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can ask a partner not to frame things that way.

Sometimes these experiences, while awful, make us better at having difficult conversations. That should make you hopeful about the future of your love life.

If she breaks her own no-contact rule (and she might), go for the apology, but for now, process this by yourself, and know that if you feel this bad about hurting someone, you’re in a thoughtful place. You’re grieving and guilty because you care quite a bit. That doesn’t sound terrible.

– Meredith

Readers? Will it ever be time to apologize about how this went down? How do you forgive yourself if you’re the breaker-upper? What about moving in?

Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

u0022Apologizing and humiliating yourself is never the wrong thing to do, but I would suggest hand-writing a note and sending it to her. Just don’t expect things to change as a result.nnI see two possibilities for why she has gone silent. First is that she’s so hurt and heartbroken that she can’t talk to you. Second is that she wanted to break up, but couldn’t say the words, so she egged you into doing it, and therefore she got what she wanted and is finished.u0022 – OutOfOrder

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