Their breakup broke the friend group

Tuesday | March 5, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Their breakup broke the friend group

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Hi Meredith,

I’m in a tricky situation with two close friends (Jane and John, fake names). Jane and John dated for a few years before Jane broke up with John unexpectedly last year due to incompatibility reasons. John was heartbroken but understood where she was coming from. He seemed to have processed the breakup quickly, though I’m sure he still struggles every once in a while.

Jane, on the other hand, seems to be struggling a lot with the breakup despite the fact that she initiated it, that she told me she didn’t regret the breakup, and that she is in a new relationship with a much more compatible man. It’s important to note that Jane and John have a lot of mutual friends (myself included), so these friends will often host parties and invite both of them (with a heads up that the other person is coming).

John has never expressed issues to me about Jane coming, only that he needs a heads up so he can mentally prepare to see her. Jane, however, complains to me and other girlfriends that she’s uncomfortable with John being there, and that everyone should understand that (with the implication that John shouldn’t be invited to these parties anymore). I’ve told her that it’s not up to her to decide who gets invited, but people will understand if she doesn’t come because of him, since that is a boundary that she can enforce/something she can control. But she argues that she shouldn’t have to give up her time to see her friends at the party just because of him, and that it seems like the hosts are choosing his comfort over her comfort.

John, being the sweet man he is, said he’s OK with not going to parties if she’s truly uncomfortable, but I told him that it’s not his responsibility to do that because he is just as entitled to going as she is. We’re all adults and can handle our emotions (though some of us can handle it more than others). I love both Jane and John, as they’re very dear to me and I’ve known them for a long time, even before they started dating. I refuse to give up a relationship with either of them, and I expressed to Jane multiple times that. I’ve suggested to Jane to get therapy because there’s only so much support and advice that I can offer, but she refuses. This is not the first time we’ve had conversations like this, and as much as I love Jane, it’s getting mentally draining have the same conversation over and over again with no changes. How can I navigate being friends with two people who previously dated? How can I help her process this breakup without making it seem like I’m choosing sides?

– Draining

I’ll call this a Love Letters question by association – which I welcome. We need to have more letters about how our friendships and romantic lives work (or don’t) at the same time. When someone falls in or out of love, a bunch of people are affected.

All friend groups are different, but in my own community I’ve noticed that there are fewer big group gatherings as I get older. There’s less free time for people to all hang out at once.

Even if there is time, it can be overwhelming. People who might have seen each in packs of 10 wind up make plans in pairs so they can really talk. The ones who have kids might see each other at weird times, and with their children.

Sometimes divorce makes it less comfortable for a core group to hang out like they used to. Your situation doesn’t involve the end of a marriage, but … it’s similar. Friend groups have to adapt to change. Everything from breakups, to someone moving, to a member of the group having less time to party because of work or caregiving responsibilities.

I understand why Jane feels bad about seeing her ex. Even though she initiated the breakup, there might be grief, guilt, and other complicated feelings. It makes sense that she wants some space.

I think you can help both friends by planning some group outings with her, and others with him. There will have to be smaller get togethers with different people.

Tell Jane what I’ve told you. Stop the spiral conversations about what’s fair and focus on how to hang out so it works. Tell her it’s OK that it’s not the same – because change is inevitable. Now you’d like to figure out a new way for everyone to be happy. Also, maybe it’s time for Jane to host some parties of her own.

– Meredith

Readers? How would you manage these friends? Do you understand why Jane might want space too?

Friends Friendship After Breakups Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

“So, I don’t think this is really a sticky situation. I actually think you and the group are handling this just fine. This is like a kid falling and looking to see who is paying attention before crying. Don’t give the situation more power than it deserves–or should I say Jane the power, because it seems that she is the issue.

Start doing the following: Tell Jane one more time that both of them are being invited and she can deal with it or not. You aren’t listening to any more complaining. The next time she complains, tell her you aren’t participating and literally walk away or hang up the phone or remove yourself from the text conversation.

Keep doing the following: Invite both people and let them decide if they want to attend. Neither one of them gets to decide the guest list. Who ever can’t deal, doesn’t come.

Stop doing the following: Suggesting your friend get therapy–you told her once, that’s plenty. Stop thinking there is something to fix or help Jane with. There isn’t. Stop explaining the situation. They should both understand the other one is going to be there at this point.

PS. You call John a sweet man, so I hope you aren’t harboring feelings for him. If you, I would think twice about acting on it.”

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