First dance, first kiss, and first love – that won’t end. It began in elementary school and we dated during most life stages: high school, college, post-college, and grad school. At each step, we came together with sparks, laughter, and joy beyond what I’ve known otherwise. Coming-of-age mistakes – that I imagine we’ve outgrown – kept us looping in and out of romance and friendship, until we left our 20s “just friends” with occasional calls, texts, and emails, which I continued to value. There was a foiled plot to visit Europe, and I’m a little fuzzy on what I believe was a marriage pact that expired. 

I became engaged to a steady, nice partner with the goal of having children in my mid/late 30s. The ex/friend also married, though just two years ago, and I’ve heard chirps of doubts from their friends, supposedly which they expressed, too. 

After more than a decade living states apart, this person unexpectedly moved nearby. We planned to get together as couples with another couple. A catch-up call, after years of only texting, turned into a couple hours chatting. Some old feelings bubbled up. I tried to push down the feelings. A couple of follow up chats and more texts ensued. “I wonder if we could be together again – like when we’re 80,” was stated and agreed with. “I have to be careful because I’ve always fallen in love when I see you” was clarified with a “well little ‘me’ always fell in love with little ‘you’.” Then I shared too much “love of my life” stuff, leading them to confirm they’re committed to their spouse and basically cut me out. 

No one is the “love of your life” if they don’t feel the same way, though I wonder if they may come around. I’m struggling more with losing this favorite person of mine who seemed so close to finally being back on the table. Valuing my spouse and building up our adventures is something I want to do for them and our kids. I know, I’m so lucky to have them. 

My spouse is aware of my untimely considerations and expresses understanding, which again, I know I’m lucky for. My conflicted feelings aren’t fair. I think the ex is an attachment I should get over, but I don’t have many close friends nearby, making it that much harder to give up the friendship. More fun with my family will be important, as is growing my network. What advice do you have on the best steps forward?

– Meredith