Hi Meredith,

I was with my fiancé very happily for four years. Toward the middle of year four, life was throwing a lot curveballs our way in a short period of time. I grew up in an abusive, neglectful household, and was in counseling through adulthood, so I have the tools to deal with trauma and difficulties. My partner is much less developed emotionally and can find normal, simple issues very distressing. In six months, we experienced everything from job loss, multiple cancer scares from both families, actual cancer, death, unexpected pregnancy, and a miscarriage that traumatized both of us. He also takes it much harder than most during any national/international tragedies, which there has been no shortage of.

Eight months ago, we had plans to elope, but he broke up with me before it was supposed to happen. He came home from work, stormed in, and started screaming (he’d never used that kind of tone with me) that we can’t marry. He picked up some clothes and went to his parents’ house. I begged him to stay and talk to me about whatever was going on, but he wouldn’t. He insisted on remaining friends. I wasn’t OK with this, but we stayed in regular contact, sometimes going out to eat or hanging out like we used to. I made it known to him I would be seeing other people, as starting a family is very important to me. He said I should, wished me happiness, and said that he wouldn’t be dating for a very long time.

During our relationship, he gave me a Claddagh ring (he is Irish-American), and was so excited to explain the history to me. Later, I gave him one, which is where my question comes in. We are on OK terms, still see each other frequently, and text almost every other day. Meredith, he still wears his Claddagh ring. Pointed toward his wrist. He has not sought out reconciliation, and I should mention that he stopped taking care of himself in the last couple months. I’m worried about him, but I don’t know what I can do. When I asked him why he was still wearing the ring, his response was “I like it.”

My gut tells me he might be interested in repairing things at some point, but not anytime soon. Every time I give him his stuff to take back to his parents’ house (I packed it all up for him the day he left), he takes something small out of his luggage and leaves it behind when he thinks I’m not looking. I think he’s doing this so he has a reason to come back. What do you make of this situation? How can I help him? We both were going to seek professional help a year ago, and I know somewhere deep inside of him he still wants that, but I know he won’t do it on his own. How do I encourage him to do so in a way where he won’t put up a wall?

– He keeps a ring on it