Dear Love Letters,

I am a gay woman in my mid-30s who like many queer people, didn’t have her first real relationship until 30. I came out in my mid-20s. We had a loving, healthy four-year relationship, during which she became comfortable enough to come out to her friends and family. She loved me more than anyone ever has, and I think we were the love of each others lives.

After four years, I ended things with her, not because of any betrayal, but because I felt I needed space to grow on my own. It was heartbreaking for her as she felt “dumped,” but I too was broken. It was the worst feeling to have to let someone go when I loved her so much. As much as I hated to do it, my gut told me I wasn’t doing either of us a favor by keeping the relationship going without some time to step back and breathe.

After the breakup, her friends and family cut me off, which I understood. I was the one who ended it, and though there was no wrongdoing, I understood their loyalty to my ex who needed support from “her side.” However, a few of my closest friends became closer to her than they were, even during the time we were dating – inviting her (and later her new partner) to events, trips, and celebrations I also attended. I gently expressed that it made it hard for me to heal, but nothing changed. At first I thought my friends kept in touch with her to soften the blow and to not make her feel as if they weren’t “dumping” her as I did. I was patient and figured it would fade out, but it did not.

Now I feel like I’ve lost friendships I’ve had – for nearly two decades – to someone I introduced into my life. It’s painful, and I’m wondering if I’m wrong to feel betrayed, or if it’s time to reconsider these friendships altogether. Though I understand that they like my ex, I feel like my friendship should take precedence.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

– Anonymous