I’m a woman in my mid-20s who really screwed up.

I was with my former partner for about two and a half years and I loved them very much. I still have love for them. Our relationship ended because I cheated on them. I kissed someone else (one of their friends) at a party. I told my partner immediately, apologized, and begged for their forgiveness. They broke up with me, and I completely understand why. I hurt them and betrayed them.

For so long, I couldn’t understand how I could do something so terrible to someone I loved so much. I’ve never cheated before this, and I didn’t think it was something I was capable of.

Then, I saw a psychiatrist and learned more about the mental health issues I’d been dealing with for more than a year. For about two months now, I’ve been treated for bipolar disorder. I have the words now to describe how I was feeling: when I cheated on my partner, I was experiencing a hypomanic episode. The disorder isn’t an excuse, but a bit of an explanation. When manic, I feel invincible, very susceptible to positive attention, and I behave impulsively. The cheating had much less to do with the person I kissed or my relationship with my partner and much more to do with my mental state. I truly believe I would not have done what I did had I not been manic.

This mental health revelation occurred after my breakup, and I haven’t spoken to my ex since. They have moved on with someone else, and even though it hurts, I want them to be happy. I really wish I had sought treatment while we were together to be a better partner to them, but I have to accept that isn’t the reality.

What I’m wondering now is if I should reach out and let them know about my diagnosis and treatment. I don’t expect forgiveness or a second chance. Learning more about my mental health has helped me understand my behavior better, and I wonder if it would do the same for my ex. I hate thinking that they assume I made a sound decision to hurt them. I hurt other friends while manic, too, and I was able to talk openly with them and mend our relationships.

It’s been about four months since I cheated, and I do feel like I’m in a more stable, rational headspace now. I want to reach out to my ex, but I don’t know if that would hurt or help. I’ve thought about writing them a letter, as it seems like the least invasive form of contact. Should I just leave them alone? Or should I try to explain myself and my actions in a way I couldn’t before?

– Sorry