Dear Meredith,

Longtime lurker, first-time writer. I have an unusual problem — more a question about the best way to resolve guilt, as opposed to a dating issue. I dated a wonderful man for about eight months. He was kind, thoughtful, generous, and fun. I am a single mom and truly appreciated all of his help and support (emotional, not financial — I’m not that person). The only thing we could not agree on was politics; I am liberal, he is conservative, but absent wine, we could discuss issues reasonably. So where is the problem? He had to move away for business, to another state not within commuting distance. He wanted to date long-distance, with the plan that I would move to him someday. I did not see the practicality of that.

His children are grown and independent, whereas mine are still in school. I am a few years away from any move. So we talked and I told him I thought it would be best for us to end things when he left because our lives were going in different directions. The hard part is that we did not end it well. We had a political argument (thank you, Malbec), followed by his insistence that I continue to discuss the move and our relationship. I refused to discuss it further, having already made my decision. He asked me if I loved him, and after stonewalling for a few days, I told him that I cared for him a great deal but did not love him. I thought that would end the discussion (it did) and help him move on. This is where I think I may have been wrong.

Fast forward a few months. I miss him terribly, but had been believing that he would find happiness elsewhere, with someone less tied down. Then, while I was mindlessly watching a TV talk show, I heard a “noted” psychologist say how important it is for people recovering from breakups to know that the other person loved them. Enter guilt, full force. I have been torturing myself ever since. My question: Do I let it be or tell him my true feelings? I do love him, I just do not think we can be together. My telling him would not change anything – it would either disrupt whatever recovery he has had from our breakup, or help him move on, knowing, at least, that it was love. Thoughts?

– Norman’s Woe