She believes I cheated
A note before the letter:
Ever had basic questions about polyamory? What is it? How it works? How open relationships are different? How the law and public policy works when it comes to nontraditional partnerships? If so, please come to a Globe Summit panel I’m moderating with a bunch of people who can explain all of the things.
The online event is at 4:25 p.m. this Thursday. You can also watch it with a link after. Just sign up at https://globesummit2024.splashthat.com/. Again, this is remote, so it’s something you can watch in sweatpants. There are many other interesting panels that day, too.
Also, send some letters. They don’t have to be about polyamory. Just tell me what’s been bugging you about your relationship/dating life to the anonymous form or email [email protected].
Q.
My ex and I are in our late 20s and have been broken up for almost two years now. But we still go to dinner and hang out each week. She cooks dinner or I’ll take her to dinner and then we’ll go to her place and hang out for the rest of the night. No sexual activity or anything. We broke up on my birthday two years ago because her friend was hitting on me and I wasn’t as aggressive as I could have been about telling her to back off. Some people said it was my ex’s place to say something because it was her friend; others said it was my responsibility.
It ended after another incident. Her friend drove a car I always wanted, and I took it on a drive one day we were all out. I drove it down the street with her and back. ZERO sexual activity. My ex and her friend in the bar didn’t believe me. We broke up a few months later.
Now it’s like we both entertain seeing other people, but she’ll come back and tell me the guys are terrible and “don’t do the things you always did for me, and they’re all so rude.”
It seems like she only comes around when a guy treats her terribly, and gets mad when I say she takes the things I do for her for granted. Her mom texts me all the time how much she loves me and that I’m like a actual son to her.
What should I do?
– Zero Sexual Activity
A.
Tell your ex you want her back. If she’s not open to restarting the romantic relationship, see her a lot less. Maybe not at all for a while.
It’s that simple. You can’t get over her because she’s around too much. Also, the breakup made you feel like you betrayed her … but you didn’t. You’re taking this like punishment – like you need to earn her trust again. It’s confusing!
Be very clear about what you want, and ask her if she wants to date you again. If she’s not on board with anything but friendship right now, you can tell her you want the best for her, but that you need to protect your own feelings. Spending time with her is difficult. You need space so you can turn this into a more platonic connection.
Please know this: even if she says she wants to try again, there’s work to do. You will have friendships with women. You might ride in a car with someone who finds you attractive. If your ex can’t trust you, you’ll wind up in this mess again. It would be nice to know that she understands that this was a misunderstanding and a lesson about communication, as opposed to a cheat.
– Meredith
Readers? Lots of ambiguous exes these days. How can letter writers keep those relationships healthy?
Send your own question to the anonymous form or email [email protected].
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