Second-guessing A Breakup One Year Later

Monday | February 7, 2022

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Second-guessing A Breakup One Year Later

Send your question to [email protected] (or use this form). If you want an interesting marriage story, try the podcast. The latest episode is a great story.

Hi Meredith,

I’ve been trying to get over a breakup for the past year, but it’s hard because I know that my ex would be interested in getting back together if I gave him the chance.

I (mid-30s, woman) have identified the factors that led to our breakup (some differences in relationship timelines and priorities, as well as some lack of communication exacerbated by mental health issues). We have many logical reasons not to get back together.

But it was a somewhat reluctant breakup as there were a lot of positives, too – shared values and a strong connection. I think more time has to go by, but how can you assess if someone has really changed? I know he’s done therapy, but saying one thing but not backing it up with actions was a problem before, and so I don’t know how he could prove to me he’d be any different now.

Any advice on how to fully move on when there’s a part of me that misses him and worries I could be missing out on a better relationship 2.0? I’m trying to stay strong and I think it’s best to move on, but these “what-ifs” get to me.

I’m guessing based on some of your other advice that it would be helpful to get out and date more, which I’m trying to do, but the fact that I’m having trouble finding people on the same wavelength isn’t making things easier.

– Plagued by “what-ifs”

In your case, dating new people – getting out there – might not be the answer.

Maybe you could use some single time, a break from the hunt. I know that’s not easy to hear in your mid-30s – or at any age, really, if you want to be partnered – but sometimes clarity comes when you’re not trying to force yourself to find love. You’re allowed to be at ease, building a world around yourself.

As for the ex, maybe he has grown. But that would mean he’s different. Maybe the incompatible kind of different – perhaps on a different wavelength. There’s only one way to find out, and it says plenty that you haven’t reached out. The what-ifs aren’t more powerful than your need to protect yourself – and him.

But listen, if this is really plaguing you, I’m all for getting answers to questions. You can always make the call and see how it feels. If he’s open, you can get together and figure out if you’ve been romanticizing what you had. I know some people will say there’s no reason to check back in with this ex, and I could make that case too, but sometimes we have to hit a wall a bunch of times before we believe something is over.

Also, sometimes a relationship does get better. I don’t know enough to tell you there’s no hope. Maybe change and growth is possible here.

My question to you: Now that I’ve said it might be helpful to call him, are you ready to run to your phone – or are you still hesitating? The answer should be revealing in some way. Think about whether your gut is telling you the damage is done.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on these what-ifs? Are they coming up because of the dating?

Getting back together Breakups 🖤