Why Am I Sad That He’s Happy?

Tuesday | April 3, 2018

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Why Am I Sad That He’s Happy?

Today is the launch of the Love Letters book, “Can’t Help Myself.” It is a memoir paired with some letters and comments that taught me important things. I want to write a long, sappy note about what writing this column means to me, but I suppose the long, sappy note is the book. When I think about how Love Letters has influenced and changed my life, I often think of the kind words commenters shared with me when I lost my mom. I’ll admit that I didn’t read some of those comments until I started writing the book. It was too soon right after she died, and way too difficult. But I went through each and every one of them while working on “Can’t Help Myself,” and thought a lot about community and how we find it. Thank you for being mine. Also: Episode 3 of the podcast is up and seems relevant to today’s letter.

I was 24, he was a decade older. It was the time of my life when I was very ambitious career-wise and wanted to explore everything. He’s very successful and embodied everything I wanted to achieve, so I guess that’s why I was attracted to him. We dated for a year; both of us were very focused on our careers and treated our relationship as a nice distraction. We would spend the evenings watching Bloomberg before going to bed. He brought me to networking meetings when he need to have company. I got a glimpse of what a successful life was like, which was very exciting for an ambitious 24-year-old. But at some point I was unsure about the direction we were going and wanted to explore new things. Then I met someone else and broke it off with him.

He was deeply hurt, and declared that he loved me. Something he never said before. I replied that I didn’t love him. The relationship with the new guy didn’t go well and we ended it soon enough. Then I went back with my ex, but couldn’t get over the guilt for hurting him. The guilt consumed me so much that I decided to leave him for good. I went to another place to do a master’s degree and explore new adventures. But he stayed in touch and even came to visit me.

Then I met another man. This time the relationship was straightforward and I fell genuinely in love. We decided to get married, and I left my ex for good. He was devastated, to say the least. He was so angry and hurt. For years after that, he would still try to contact me via emails, some angry, but I didn’t respond. Until two years ago. He sent another message, this time level-headed and subdued, so I was touched and responded. Soon he wanted to continue to stay in touch, but at this point I’m already happily married with kids, so I didn’t answer his requests.

Until a few days ago. I finally wanted to let go and answered his message from two years ago, with an air of finality. He responded immediately with the news that he’s happily married with someone similar to me and even has a child now. The news hit me at the place I never knew existed. I couldn’t even understand my reactions. I was jealous with his unknown wife and sad at the thought that he finally let me go. I thought he’d be incapable of being a family man, so I resented the person who could turn him into one. I wished I could turn back the time and stop my 24-year-old self from making all those mistakes. For days afterward I was functioning in my family life with a mind full of “what-ifs” with my ex. I feel so horrible about myself. How could I stop this?

– Feeling Horrible

When you get dumped, it’s natural to have fantasies that years later, when you’ve finally moved on, your ex will be jealous of your successes, wonder “what if,” and feel bad that they didn’t realize your worth. I guess that does happen sometimes. Thanks for letting us know.

But here’s the thing: What your feeling doesn’t mean you want him back or that you wish you had chosen him years ago. You had a zillion opportunities to be with this person, and you walked away every time. What you’re grieving now is … the backup plan. The idea that if your current relationship dissolved, there was always someone who would take you in.

We talk about the grief that comes with rejection a lot, but this is a different kind of loss, and it’s worth processing. Sometimes it weird to admit that we’re not going to get to have all lives – we won’t get to do everything. You’re sad about the road not taken and that’s OK. Feel your feelings, remind yourself why you chose the relationship you’re in, and then do something to distract yourself. That’s all you need.

– Meredith

Readers? What is this about?

Breakups 🖤