My friend is in her early 20s and has been living with her mid-20s boyfriend for two years. Her citizenship status is DACA-like, and because of Trump’s deportation policies she felt unsafe and insecure about her ability to stay in the US. She asked her boyfriend (a citizen) if they could get married; he thought about it and told her that he wasn’t ready to get married to anyone and had never envisioned his future because he’d been sick for so much of his life. He wanted to break up so she could find someone else and feel safe; she wanted to keep dating. Shortly after, she figured out a different way to secure her citizenship status, but they broke up anyway because he said he needed time to figure things out on his own. She loves him and thought they both wanted a future together, and she is, understandably, very hurt.

What would you tell this friend? Listening to her, I remembered the many commitment-phobic guys I dated in my 20s and 30s, and the cynic in me thought, “‘I’m not ready to get married to anyone’ is something guys say when they don’t want to say, ‘I’m not ready to get married TO YOU.’” Why else would he elect to break up when she was willing to wait for him to figure out his ambivalence about marriage? It’s easy to discard a relationship when you’re young and it seems probable you’ll find other relationships – especially when it’s your first serious relationship (this was his) and you have fewer metrics for how precious your existing relationship is. You don’t feel ready until you are, right?

My friend also thinks her ex may be neurodivergent in a way that when his routine is interrupted, he might feel overwhelmed. Could it be that my friend’s marriage request caused this kind of disruption? 

– Help me help her