My Ex Won’t Stop Reaching Out

Thursday | April 7, 2016

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

My Ex Won’t Stop Reaching Out

Hi Meredith,

Wondering what I can do about my clingy ex. She’s a friend of some friends and we dated exclusively for about four months. She decided to go to grad school and I supported her decision, even though that meant she would be moving a thousand miles away. We stayed in touch via text and social media daily. We met up two or three times after she moved, and neither could deny there was still an attraction between us. After six or so months and a particularly gloomy winter storm, I asked her if I could come visit. She told me that I could but that she recently started dating someone else. I was upset at first, but after a day chalked it up to awkward timing. I knew it would be unreasonable of me to think she’d be single forever. She tried consoling me by sending me cute pictures and emoji filled texts, but it backfired. I told her that I knew she meant well, but by sending me cute selfies she was making it hard for me to transition to just friends. I told her that I needed some space for a little while to adjust, and she told me she understood.

After maybe a week of silence, she emailed me asking if I was “done making her sad” and if she could visit me and our mutual friends on her spring break. That really pissed me off. I felt she turned herself into a victim, and by doing so made me the bad guy. I explained to her that I needed to move on, that this wasn’t a good place to be in, and wasn’t really fair for anyone, including her boyfriend. She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend a few months later and started sending me a never-ending flood of texts and emails. Her texts would alternate between the cute, trying to win me back variety and the overly dramatic, I’m ruining her life, name-calling variety.

This continued for over a year and most of the time I didn’t bother replying. I didn’t feel that arguing with her would prove anything, and I didn’t want to say anything to have her think I was still interested in her in any way. Whenever I did reply, I’d explain myself as clearly as I could, and purposely wouldn’t resort to petty insults. Our mutual friends agreed that the relationship turned toxic and they saw the stress she was putting on me. They tried helping and explaining to her that she should move on but she ignored them. Somewhere along the line, I blocked her on social media in hopes she’d leave me alone. No matter what I’ve done or said, she’s under the impression that we’ll be friends again someday. I normally don’t even think about her but she emailed me last week now MORE THAN THREE YEARS after we broke up. Her email said we should be friends and that I should unblock her from social media because “so much time has passed.” Calmly explaining myself didn’t work. The silent treatment didn’t work. Mutual friend mediators didn’t work. I’ve made it clear that I don’t hate her, I’ve moved on (by at one point saying “I don’t hate you, I’m moving on” for instance). I’m at a loss here. Will she ever stop or am I going to hear from her for the rest of my life?

– Clung

This letter inspired me to call the good people of Casa Myrna, because they’re experts about issues like harassment and stalking, and I wondered what they might tell a person whose ex just won’t go away.

Their answer wasn’t very simple. There are harassment laws and paperwork you can fill out to deal with someone who won’t leave you alone, but you have to consider the specifics of the situation. I asked Casa Myra, “What if you don’t believe you’re in physical danger but the ex’s constant communication is super annoying? Is it better to simply block an ex and hope they just go away?” Again, it was complicated. Casa Myra said that sometimes it helps to call an organization like theirs and talk about specifics – because every case is different.

I have a friend who recently went on a date with someone she met online, and after she rejected him, he kept texting not-so-nice things. She’s asking similar questions. Should she block him? Would blocking him mean that she might miss a threatening text? Should she respond by asking him not to respond? Would that provoke more texts? It’s hard to know.

My advice columnist opinion is that as long as you’ve been clear about your intentions and boundaries, you should continue to ignore her communication and follow your own rules. You should also keep those mutual friends – and other people in your life – in the loop. If she emails, they should know. If they get the sense that you’re becoming more anxious about her correspondence, they should tell you. Sometimes our friends and family have a better sense of the scope of a problem than we do.

I also recommend calling a place like Casa Myrna. I know you might be thinking, “Oh, I’m not in danger,” but if these emails are interrupting your life or stressing you out whenever you check your messages, it would help to get some guidance from someone who can explain all of your options. The phone call should give you some ideas and, hopefully, some peace of mind.

– Meredith

Readers? Have you had a similar problem? What have you done to make someone go away?

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Featured Comment

You need to block her COMPLETELY! Block numbers and any emails she has from contacting you. Tell her she had her shot to make it work again and that SHE created this mess not you. Shes the one creeping on you and trying to get you back with her selfish ways and mean comments. She started dating someone else and that made it clear she was just as interested at the time. She is just upset because she knows she’s in the wrong and that this was her fault not yours.

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