My ex is happy without me
What’s on your mind about your relationships? Ask questions about marriage, friendship, dating, crushes, breakups, getting back out there, in-law drama, or whatever, through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].
Q.
Hi Meredith!
How do I get over an ex who is happy without me? We were together for a short while, but he decided he didn’t want to pursue anything more. To be honest, on the surface, we don’t seem to be long-term compatible. He is Catholic and I am not religious. He loves to party/rave and I feel out of place at clubs. He is still doing part-time assistant work and living with his parents while I work long hours every day at my corporate job. He thinks I’m cute but he loves the glam baddies.
To be honest, I just get attached way too easily. I’m an anxious-attachment style, and he was also my first everything, so in my head I internalized that he was the “one.” I know he doesn’t owe me anything, but I feel so bitter. We share mutual friends, and I just see him so happy and carefree all the time in their stories.
He travels, has fun, and does what he wants to do because he has a lot of free time. Meanwhile, I just slog through life and pass out after work because I’m so tired. I also have extremely limited time off. I guess I’m just bitter because he’s clearly moved on and is chatting with women who are more his type.
Another thing is that I think he’s the more attractive one between us. So I was thinking maybe if I changed my makeup or styling to one he likes he’d look at me in a new light, but in my heart I know deep down it’s a personality mismatch.
I’ve already blocked him on everything, so everything that I’ve seen of him is on friends’ social media. How do I stop feeling bitter that he’s living his best life and I’m not? I’m personally putting off dating for now for work and life reasons, but it just feels a little hopeless.
– Hopeless
A.
Let me start by saying: you’re not an “anxious-attachment style” like you’re a Virgo or a Hufflepuff. It’s not some identity you fall into forever. You might have a healthy, wonderful bond with one friend or romantic partner, only to experience a different kind of attachment with someone else.
Real psychologists (not me) will tell you attachment styles aren’t fixed. I like this Atlantic article that hits at this point – that we shouldn’t go into every relationship feeling doomed by our own history.
Now for a question: do you miss this guy or are you jealous of his very fun life? I am not a “glam baddie,” so I must ask: wouldn’t you rather do a bunch of amazing stuff on your own? Truly, if you had a week off and a bunch of extra money, would you want to hang out at a rave with this man or travel to a beautiful vacation spot where you could read in front of excellent scenery?
It sounds like you’re not having enough fun, and maybe your ex has become the symbol of what you don’t have. Please try to plan new, fascinating experiences for yourself – really fill those weekends. Take some pictures of your adventures. Maybe even post them, if that makes you happy. Every time you think you miss this guy, picture a church and a nightclub, and you might just be OK.
Last thought: he might be a tiny bit sad. We don’t post our sad pictures on Instagram. I can smile big in a selfie, even when I’m anxious, grieving relationships, and wondering if I left the stove on. You don’t know what he’s thinking. He might have moments of appreciating the time he spent with you. Thank goodness he doesn’t miss you as much as you think you miss him. If he did, you might get back together, and I swear, he is not the one.
– Meredith
Readers? Is this about the ex or the lack of time off? Is this about him being the first everything?
Send your own questions through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].
Be civil. Be kind.
Read our full community guidelines.To comment, please create a screen name in your profile
To comment, please verify your email address