Lost After A Whirlwind Relationship

Thursday | May 24, 2018

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Lost After A Whirlwind Relationship

I’m a 34 year-old-woman at the end of a whirlwind relationship with a 40-something single father. I was ready to say those three words, and I’ve never said them to anyone. We traveled together after weeks of dating, declared it serious, he cried in my arms and told me he wanted me to meet his children, he invited me to his family Christmas celebration, and we made plans to get tattoos together. He would send me texts and photos throughout the day, even of his children, saying he wished I was there with them. He inspired me and pushed me to be the best person I could be.

He took a trip out of the country the week before Christmas that separated us for two weeks. Once we were about to be reunited, he decided that the relationship wasn’t for him. One day he was telling me he missed me so much and couldn’t wait to read the New York Times in bed with me, and the next day he was breaking up with me over the phone.

He told me over the phone that he couldn’t handle the “everydayness” of it, and that it was all just fun and moved too fast. Of course, I was devastated at first, but am just feeling more disrespected than anything. I ran into him recently at a professional event we both attended. We stared at each other across the aisle. Our eyes were locked for what felt like five minutes, and then he just turned and walked away. I had to run to the bathroom because my knees let out from under me, and I almost vomited. He was with two women; I don’t know or care if he was with either one of them. He didn’t bother saying hello to my friend or me, and I’m left even more upset with his behavior.

It’s been several months since our breakup but I think about it everyday, and it has had serious effects on my mental health and self esteem in public, at work, and with family. I find that nothing I do matters anymore. I have absolutely no sex drive or attraction to anyone, and am barely able to leave the house except to go to work or the gym. I’ve barely maintained relationships with any of my friends, and no one knows that I’m feeling this way. How do I move on from this and allow myself to open up to anyone ever again? I feel like I’ll never be able trust another human being.

– Lost

Let’s start with the fact that it’s a great time for therapy. When you’re feeling this low and can’t figure out how to enjoy the good things in life, it’s best to get help from someone who’s trained to give it.

I’m tempted to tell you that in the future, you should be suspicious of anyone who commits so quickly, especially when they have kids. But that’s not the point here. With this romance, you felt real passion, and so did this man. You wanted to dive in – to take the permanent-tattoo kind of risk – because it felt right. I can’t say you should ignore your gut.

I will say that in the future, when it comes to passion and promises, you should consider your real needs. You require the “everydayness” to make things work. It can take a long time – sometimes more than months – to be sure that someone is in for the relationship moments that are average and mundane.

As you process all of this, please know that his behavior at that professional event doesn’t reveal anything about his feelings. Sometimes, in a public place, we mask our emotions – because we have to. Sometimes we shove the loss, regret, and shame into tiny little boxes so we can get through the minutes without falling apart. It’s very possible he was miserable, too. It’s also possible he didn’t want to face the judgement of your friend.

Speaking of friends, let them know how you’re doing, even if it’s just one person (the most empathetic of the bunch). Calling on your community is a step to getting better.

– Meredith

Readers? What do you think of his behavior at the event?

Breakups 🖤