Letting An Ex Know About An Engagement

Tuesday | September 15, 2015

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Letting An Ex Know About An Engagement

Hi Meredith and crew,

I’ve got great news. I proposed. She said yes. (Thanks in advance for your undoubtedly positive comments about this news.) My fiancée is the most supportive and caring person I’ve ever been with. It’s been five wonderful years. My question isn’t about the quality of my relationship, it more concerns an awkward next step in my social life. As anyone with Facebook or Instagram knows, now comes the part where we share this news. Along with that comes the presumed “can’t wait to rub this in my exes’ faces” moment that many people relish. In my case, though, there’s one ex (we’ll call her Ex) that I am dreading finding out this way.

We were childhood best friends for many years first, made the mistake of dating for quite some time, and things ended amicably. Although that relationship ended years before I started dating my fiancée, my fiancée was not comfortable with my friendship continuing with Ex, and so I put distance between us for the sake of my relationship. It was the right move in the long run, but stung a little. I haven’t seen Ex in more than five years, and we stopped conversing completely two years ago. Still, Ex was always a good friend and someone I consider a great person. I hate the idea of posting this to Facebook, and her hearing that I’m engaged through one of our hundreds of mutual friends or her own parents. We grew up together in a small town, so this is unavoidable. At the same time, reaching out at this stage is a bit tough. I don’t think my fiancée will react well to me bringing up Ex shortly into our engagement, saying I want to reach out to her. And emailing or calling Ex, let alone having a cup of coffee without telling my fiancée, feels wrong.

This may not be a juicy question, but I’d legitimately like some crowd-sourced opinions. Do I let her see it first on Facebook? Do I broach the subject with my fiancée, as you’ll probably surmise I was never 100 percent comfortable with the resolution to her issue with Ex? Or is the little white lie of a well-intentioned quick email to an ex-girlfriend not a big deal and I should just save the most amount of hassle by shooting off a “Hey, just a heads up …” message?

– Sincerely, Non-Juicy But Stumped

Let Ex find out through Facebook (or Instagram or her parents). You haven’t spoken to her in years, which means she’d expect to hear the news that way. You have to remember that during this silence, Ex has had ups, downs, accomplishments, losses, and other experiences you know nothing about. She hasn’t reached out about to you about her big life events. There’s no reason to break your own rules just because you have good news.

You admit in your last paragraph that your desire to reach out to Ex is also about the resolution you made years ago. If that’s the case, focus on talking to your fiancée about why you set that boundary in the first place. Let it be a longer conversation about how you’ll treat friendships in your marriage. That’s the real issue here, right? You want to revisit your boundaries.

Readers? Should he ask for permission to reach out? Would Ex expect to hear this news from him? What’s the issue here?

– Meredith

Friends Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

I was with my ex fiancée for 10 years (engaged for 2) and when I got married and knew he would see countless pictures on facebook from mutual friends and family (I don’t have facebook), I told him myself through a text even though it had been years since we had spoken. I just thought it was a nice gesture. We parted amicably. I understand where you are coming from. I think it’s a nice thought. Is it necessary, maybe not; but it’s considerate anyway.

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