I’ve Stopped My Serial Monogamy To Work On Myself

Monday | March 30, 2020

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I’ve Stopped My Serial Monogamy To Work On Myself

Dear Meredith,

I just ended my long relationship with my boyfriend. Through years of therapy, I’ve come to realize that I have a codependent pattern of totally losing myself in relationships. When I’m single, I’m just thinking about how to get back into a relationship again because I’m afraid of being alone. It’s a vicious cycle. I was tired of hurting my ex-boyfriend, whom I love dearly, when it came to my own ambivalence. I figured it was best to address this half-in, half-out problem of mine when I have no one to hurt in the process.

I knew the only way for me to outgrow this pattern was to actually focus on myself, even though my ex was a keeper. This is extremely hard for me as a serial monogamist. I’m trying to be intentional about not succumbing to the panic of being single, but the problem I’m facing is knowing that my ex-boyfriend is now free to date other people. He is a good man with a lot of great qualities who wants a commitment, so I know it won’t be long before he does end up settling down. I knew this would be one of the consequences of breaking up, which is what made the choice so difficult. It sends daggers through me when I think of this person I love dearly spending his life with someone else. A past version of myself would have tried to sabotage any chance of him moving on, but I am a lot better than I used to be.

I made a promise to myself and to him that I would leave him be. We are no-contact and are currently on a social media blackout from each other. We will no doubt see each other again someday because we have a lot of close mutual friends, so seeing him in a relationship with someone new is inevitable. Even though I’m 29, this is all very new to me, because in the past I’d just jump straight into a new relationship to conceal the pain of that loss. I made sure it’s different this time, but I’m also feeling all the pain that comes with a breakup for the first time. I suppose my questions are these: How do I cope with this tremendous loss, even knowing it’s the best thing for my personal growth? How do I deal with the pain of letting a good man go? How do I fall out of love with someone without just burying myself in a new relationship first?

– Letting a Good Man Go

You sent this letter at the start of what will be a long period social distancing. That means you won’t (or shouldn’t) be able to meet someone new and jump into another relationship.

Please use this time wisely. Stay home, get used to spending time alone (or with friends, family, roommates), and pay attention to how it feels. Do small activities. Listen to music and make yourself a playlist.

Do not use the state of the world as an excuse to derail your time alone. Yes, it can make sense to check in with an ex during a pandemic, but before you make contact with him, ask yourself what you need to know. You can check in on someone with one or two quick texts. It does not have to become a routine.

You ask how to get over someone – how to deal with pain without finding distractions. Really, it’s all about discipline. Also, some distractions aren’t bad, so maybe you should find some new ones. Friends can distract. Books can too. You don’t have to sit around all day contemplating your losses and patterns. Maybe you read a book, have a bite to eat, and then realize something about your relationship with yourself. I find that personal growth is often a spontaneous thing.

Maintain the social media block. Every time you imagine your ex with someone new, breathe through it. It’s not supposed to be easy or comfortable, but you’ll get there.

– Meredith

Readers? Any reason to think the LW should be with the ex? How do you get used to being single?

Social Media 🖤 Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

Usually when people break up, there’s a reason. In this case, I’m struggling a bit to understand why you broke up with him. Did you really need to break up with him to work on yourself? You couldn’t improve yourself while you were in a relationship?

two-sheds Share Thoughts