I’ve Spent A Lot On Him

Thursday | April 27, 2023

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I’ve Spent A Lot On Him

What are your dating/relationship/marriage/single issues? Let us try to make sense of them. Email [email protected] or send your letter here.

Dear Meredith,

I’m a widow with a teenager. Eighteen months ago, I met someone. He was incredible and everything I’ve always wanted. A few months after we got together, life got complicated for him. Health issues, family issues, financial issues. I tend to want to be the knight in shining armor, so I’ve spent a substantial amount on this person – financial help, trips, paying for our dates almost every single time.

Because of health issues, intimacy has been non existent for a year now. I was OK with it because there’s more to life than sex. The problem is that there’s no flirting, no kissing, no real intimate moments aside from holding hands. I almost have to beg for a real kiss (a peck doesn’t count to me). This has an enormous impact on my self-esteem. I’m constantly thinking I’m not attractive, smart, etc. Dates feel rushed, like he can’t wait to leave. It always feels like he’s on a mission. He arrives, we talk, plan what restaurant, what movie, we go do our thing, and he leaves.

We see each other once a week for about four hours. He gets very upset if I say we should just be friends. I think I love this person but I am becoming sadder and very resentful. I give A LOT but it seems all I get is crumbs. I know his life isn’t easy, but I don’t want to be second in anyone’s life. He tells me when his family situation changes (he cares for a few of his family members) our life will change. That might take three months or 10 years.

I know very well that life has no guarantees. But I am still young and healthy and I have a lot of love to give. I’m not sure what to do, as I hear from friends the dating world is a mess, and I really don’t want to date. Should I wait and take whatever little I get from him or break it off and move on? He tells me he loves me all the time and I mean a lot to him, but somehow I’m not sure if I believe it or if I’m just his cash cow. What do you advise?

– Resentful

Break up with him and move on. This isn’t the relationship you want, and it hasn’t been for a long time.

I can’t tell you he’s using you for money, but you feel that way, and that’s what matters. You resent this man and believe he’s rushing through your dates. He’s promising a future, but you’re living for now – as you should. You have no idea what he’ll be like whenever his responsibilities change.

Do not stay with him because you fear there’s no one else. You can do a lot more with that four hours a week.

This is the thing about breakups – only one person needs to want one. He can tell you that losing you would make him sad and upset, but … that’s how these things work. Often, one party feels left behind and like it wasn’t up to them. If only all endings could be mutual and amicable.

It doesn’t sound like you should try to be friends after the breakup – not immediately, at least. Do not offer that as an alternative because you’ll want to prioritize yourself – to get your self-esteem back. It’s better as a clean break until the relationship means a bit less. Also, would he pay for friend dates? Probably not, right?

You have a lot of love to give, and I do think someone else will want it, and to reciprocate. Be your own knight in shining armor and rescue yourself.

– Meredith

Readers? Time to go? Can you offer some perspective here?

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