Four months ago I started dating someone I’ve known for five years. I’m in my early 30s and he’s in his 40s. Though there were times I thought, “Wow, this is moving fast,” it was really pretty great. We could talk about anything, had a ton in common, genuinely enjoyed our shared company, and had ridiculously great sex.

Just about two weeks into the relationship, some red flags started flying. To give some background, he assured me at the outset that his marriage – though not legally severed – had been over when he moved out three years ago. That said, he has a son to whom his ex was a stepmother. He had spent those three years supposedly focused on himself, not in any kind of serious relationship (and sleeping with numerous women), and I was the first significant relationship since he’d moved out. The thing is, from day one, the ex-wife would text constantly when we were together, and he would often respond. Then, as time passed over the months, I realized he was also doing things like taking her out to dinner (alone), bringing her with him to events alone without even letting me know (I found out through mutual friends), and running errands and handling business for her. All the while, he was assuring me how “over” his marriage was, and detailing how she’d been abusive, sexually neglectful, and horrible during the time they were together. It would have been fine if these were all family-related activities his son, but they weren’t.

Every time I tried to broach the subject of “where do I fit,” he either went on the attack with me, shut down altogether, or told me (three months in) that it was “too early” for him to discuss how this looked going forward. And I got more than an earful about how much his wife was going through. All this time, though, he would profess his love, discussed future plans for vacations and weekends, and tried to encourage me to think about opening our relationship up to a threesome (which is something I’ve done before, was open to, and enjoy).

I hope you can see where this is going – last week I broke it off. It did not go well. I do not think he’s used to being broken up with, and I was very frank about the fact that he is essentially a married man pretending he’s single. He tossed around mean words, and so did I. He repeatedly said that somehow I “can’t understand” his perspective here, and that he does NOT act like his ex’s husband.

He has a tendency to be condescending (something that bothered me from the get-go), and he is now making me feel guilty about how the end of our relationship and my need for space will affect his child, who loved me. I feel terribly about that. I’ve de-friended him on social media and have blocked calls, emails, and texts. So the question is: Did I do the right thing here? Should I have been more understanding about this relationship with his ex? Should I feel guilty about needing space? And do you think a friendship would even work?

– Second Guessing Myself in Seattle