Is My Relationship Doomed?

Wednesday | May 30, 2018

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Is My Relationship Doomed?

Less than a week away … a reading, party, and romance novel swap …

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, living together for two. It’s the longest relationship I’ve had, and at 25 I thought it would be my last. But lately I just don’t feel the same toward him. I had a miscarriage last year, and maybe I didn’t deal with it fully, but something changed after that. We’ve had sex probably once in the last three months (a big slump), and I can’t help but feel that it’s my fault. I just don’t feel like it at all. I don’t enjoy it when it does happen.

In the last two weeks, my anxiety has been through the roof. I don’t know if it’s because subconsciously I know my relationship is doomed or if it’s something else. But basically I lie in bed with my heart feeling like it’s pounding out of my chest.

Even worse: I have developed a crush on this guy at work. It started as a running joke with another friend at work – we both agreed this man was cute – but now I get butterflies when I look at him. Maybe this is what I’m searching for in my own relationship? This is definitely not the cause of the downfall of my current relationship, but he’s on my mind most of the time. I know it’s just a crush and it will pass, but I just feel so horrible about the whole thing.

My boyfriend and I are going on a vacation for a week in a couple of days, so I’m hoping we find the spark again that we need. I haven’t spoken to him about any of this because I think it would break his heart, and I don’t want to do so unnecessarily, but if after our holiday things are no better for me, I just don’t know how to deal with it. Any advice?

– Over?

“I haven’t spoken to him about any of this because I think it would break his heart …”

Talking about these issues might hurt your boyfriend, but there’s no way to avoid this kind of pain. It’ll be more devastating if you break up with him with no warning. He must notice the tension in the relationship, so if you bring this up, it might be a big relief. My advice: Talk about everything.

Well, almost everything. I’d leave the work crush out of the narrative. You can mention that you’ve been fantasizing about a different kind of life, but I wouldn’t get into specifics. You put it best: This other man is “not the cause of the downfall.”

I can’t tell you what will happen after you talk – what the two of you will decide, and whether there’s any way to save this relationship. The conversation might lead to a goodbye, but it’s also possible that the honesty will bring you together again.

What I do know is that it helps to talk to a therapist about anxiety, trauma, and big life changes. If you’re feeling that pounding of the heart and struggling, it might be time to seek out a professional to help you through it. That’s what they’re for.

– Meredith

Readers? Is there any way to work on this relationship? Should the LW tell her boyfriend about her crush?

Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

You didn’t mention anything being wrong with the relationship. No fighting, jealousy, anything, you just don’t feel ‘the spark’ right now. I wouldn’t say that means anything is over.

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