I’m Sick Of Thinking About The Breakup

Wednesday | January 6, 2021

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I’m Sick Of Thinking About The Breakup

Are you someone who met a current significant other during the pandemic (after March)? Or do you know a couple that got together during this time? Anyone who hasn’t experienced whatever normalcy is since they coupled up? I’m looking to talk to people who met and got together after March. Email me with “couple” in the subject line at [email protected]. Send your regular questions about everything to [email protected].

Hi Meredith,

My ex and I were together for two and a half years, and the relationship ended last year right around this time. We’d had a very tumultuous relationship – lots of explosive arguments and bickering over things we couldn’t seem to let go of. I was the one who brought up the breakup, and after a few days of thinking about it, he agreed it was the right decision. We’re both in our late 20s, so we figured we shouldn’t waste any more time on a relationship that obviously wasn’t working. We ended it and I haven’t spoken to him since. No check-ins, we don’t follow each other on social media, just total and complete silence.

I want to make clear that the whole relationship wasn’t a headache. I love the guy and always will. I think we tried so hard to make things work for so long because we both felt that love for each other and hoped we’d eventually figure it out. Unfortunately we didn’t, and now it’s been a year since I’ve spoken to him and I catch myself thinking about him almost daily (and have for much of the last year).

I know my friends are sick of hearing about it. I’m sick of even thinking about it. I know we’ll likely never get back together, and I haven’t reached out because I don’t think it’ll do either of us any good (and I don’t know what I’d even say). My question to you is, how do I stop myself from fantasizing him on such a constant basis? I tried the dating other people thing, but quickly realized I needed more time to heal from this before jumping into anything else headfirst. I’m at a year since the breakup and it still consumes my everyday thought process. I have been seeing a therapist regularly, but even she is at a loss as to what I’m still holding on to and why. I desperately want to leave this in the rear-view, but just can’t seem to let it go.

I’ve started debating moving to a new city just to get some new scenery and have a place I can explore without constant reminders of him and us. I guess I just want to hear from your experience, what you think I can and should do at this point. I am exhausted by this relationship even after being out of it for an entire year.

– Help

It probably doesn’t help that you’ve spent much of the year living in a pandemic. Let’s not underestimate how the state of the world might affect how you’re doing. Even if you’re someone who has seen others, taken advantage of walks and outdoor restaurants, etc., you’re not engaging with new activities (and people) in the same way. It feels like a pause.

That might make you think of the past and romanticize it. The relationship was a mess, but maybe life was easier when you were together. That could be some of what you miss.

Ask your therapist about ways to change your daily rituals. Some might suggest cognitive behavioral therapy, which you can google, but really, you’re looking for any ideas to change your pattern. Your idea about moving to a place might be too big, but you’re on the right track. New scenery is good, although I think you can find it wherever you are. Maybe eat new food, call friends at different times, schedule weekly games on Zoom. Train yourself to delete the “thinking about him” hours from your day.

It doesn’t sound like this routine is about him at all, by the way. Or not much, at least. It’s a bad habit, but one that’s comforting in the moment. You’ll have to quit it like anything else.

Also, maybe you weren’t ready to jump into anything headfirst months ago, but there’s nothing wrong with casual browsing. A swipe or match might feel like a good distraction.

– Meredith

Readers? Why is this LW stuck? Would reaching out help? Is part of the problem the cold-turkey style of the breakup?

COVID and Relationships Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

You can’t control what pops into your mind but you can control what you allow yourself to ruminate about. DO NOT let yourself think about him and eventually you can undo the habit. Also, you clearly need a hobby or something else that interests you to think about.

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