I’m Not Moving To New York

Friday | September 7, 2018

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I’m Not Moving To New York

If you need an upbeat love story for the weekend, the bonus episode of the podcast is available … and very cute.

My girlfriend and I were together for two and a half years (living together for a year and a half). She was born in New York and it was her dream to live and work there. I had said I was up for moving, but, in reality, the prospect scared me. It meant leaving my network here in London.

I buried my head in the sand to this reality and avoided talking about it, but she pressed on with her plans anyway. It felt like we weren’t planning this move together, so I felt very alone in the whole process. As our relationship became more difficult, we started to live apart. And when her moved started to take shape, it all became overwhelming and I finally admitted I wasn’t sure I would ever go.

We broke up, and she’s leaving in two months, but she still wants me to change my mind and commit to joining her. I’ve said I want to work on the relationship but she won’t unless I commit to the move. I’ve suggested a long-distance relationship, but she’s not game and thinks that the reason I’m struggling is because I don’t love her. Now I’m alone and struggling to live without her. What should I do?

– London

If you know you don’t want to leave London, make that clear. Let the breakup stand and give up on making it better. Your girlfriend always been certain about her desire to live in New York. That is her first priority, no matter what.

I understand your desire to try long-distance – because you don’t want to lose her forever, and maybe you’d get the best of both worlds. But that kind of relationship works best when there’s a timeline for a move. You wouldn’t have that at all.

One of the reasons you’re struggling is that she’s still in London. Like, nearby. That makes this breakup extra painful; you’re constantly reminded that you have a window to change your mind. This could feel a lot better after she’s really gone – when you no longer feel like someone is waiting for you to run through an airport, rom-com-style, screaming, “I’m coming with you!” Once she takes that flight alone, it might be easier to move on.

In the meantime, give her space and wish her well. Know that you’re both doing what feels right.

– Meredith

Readers? Long-distance?

Distance Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

I don’t really understand what your question is. Your girlfriend wants to move to New York and you don’t. I don’t blame her for not wanting a long distance relationshipu002du002dit can’t be long distance forever and its a lot of work, and has the potential to be very expensive. You were unable to talk to each other, and now can’t reach an agreement. I’d say this does not have the makings for a long term relationship. There is nothing to work on here. I would stop talking to her.

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