I'm having an emotional affair with my ex

Friday | February 23, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I’m having an emotional affair with my ex

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I am having an emotional affair with my ex.

He’s my ex from high school and the first years of college. We have remained friends, and he recently broke up with his girlfriend.

I’m currently in a relationship and it hasn’t been going well – but recently it improved. I think things could be getting better because I’m getting emotional support elsewhere (from the ex).

Now I’m confronted with the scariness of potentially breaking up with my current boyfriend, and I’m feeling frozen with indecision. I’m in my 30s and I want to have everything figured out. How do I learn to trust my decision making and take next steps?

– Frozen

You want to have everything figured out, but that’s not possible.

I’m not sure any of us ever figure everything out. Even if we do, things change, and then we have to answer big questions all over again.

It sounds like you’ve been unhappy in your relationship, and that you’d rather be with your ex. That ex might not want to get back together with you. He might be enjoying some attention, but has no desire to be coupled right after a breakup.

If you break up with your boyfriend, you’d be on your own – which could be a good thing. Honestly, if you want a different primary relationship, you should get single as soon as possible so you can reset and meet others.

You didn’t tell us much about your current relationship – nothing about what you’ve been through together, why you stay, and how you feel about this man – but that’s revealing, too.

I think you know what you have to do. Yes, it’s scary, but so is staying in the wrong relationship forever.

– Meredith

Readers? Time to break up? What do you assume when a letter writer tells us nothing (nothing good, at least) about their significant other?

Breakups 🖤 Cheating I reached out to my ex

Featured Comment

“You will not ‘have everything figured out’ in the 30s—nor in any decade. You’re a perfectionist and are too afraid of making mistakes. Well, everyone makes mistakes. People have to make choices to proceed in life. Just pick the best option with the knowledge you have, and take how it comes out. If it doesn’t work out, try something else. If you need more knowledge in order to make a decision, don’t use a long process of ‘researching’ as avoidance (speaking to myself also on that one).

You may want ‘everything figured out’ as a way to have more control in your life. Also sounds like you have a high need for ’emotional support’ and cannot be alone. Most people will get tired of you expecting them to hold your hand all the time, be your crying towel, and tell you what to do…unless you find someone who likes to have that kind of control and codependence.

I’d rather see you break up with the current guy, back off from being so needy with your ex (and revisit how well ‘friends’ with him is working), and stand on your own two feet for awhile. You might find a counselor helpful, including for anxiety issues.”

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