For background: My ex and I dated for one year about seven years ago. We had a wonderful relationship but we were young and living in different states. At the end of our relationship, my ex didn’t think he could handle the long-distance anymore and wasn’t sure we were right for each other, but he “still loved me” so he wanted time to figure out if he still wanted to pursue our relationship or not. I gave him a few days, but I was young and losing my mind waiting for him to essentially decide if he loved me enough, so I told him we should just end things. 

Our relationship ended pretty amicably. We had no contact for several years, but I continued to think of him frequently. That breakup hurt like hell and I honestly have missed him ever since. A few years ago, he followed me on social media.  Of course I got my hopes up thinking maybe he was hoping to rekindle things, but he never tried. We have exchanged a few “hey, how are you?” and life-update messages throughout the years but it has always been brief and sporadic. 

We have both dated several different people since our breakup, and I am now newly married to my wonderful spouse. Yes, I love my spouse. Yes, I still have love for my ex as well, but I try to remind myself there’s a reason we’re not together, and if he had any interest in us being together he would have let me know at some point. I also try to remind myself we were pretty much kids when we dated, so I think it’s impossible that I am actually still IN love with him since I don’t even know who he is now. 

This is a complicated thing I have been working through for years, but I have never acted on these confusing feelings, I have never told my ex about them, and I have not spoken to my ex since I met my husband. I have always chalked up my feelings to my ex being my Great White Buffalo, a.k.a the one that got away, which I believe is a normal thing for people to have? Also for context, I believe my ex is currently dating another new woman according to social media. 

Situation: A few days ago via my ex’s family member’s social media page, I found out my ex has been battling cancer the past few months. I have been a wreck since finding this out. I can’t focus on anything other than thinking of him finding out that news and what he’s been suffering through these past few months. I can’t stop crying. I feel like my whole world just got turned upside down. I have been honest with my husband about my feelings, and my reaction to this situation is hurting my husband right now, too. This man (my ex) is young and should be living his life, falling in love, starting a family. He’s the kind of person who lights up a room when he walks in. I know he must have a ton of family and friend support because so many people love him, which gives me some peace of mind. I am battling these lingering feelings for my ex that have just come even further to the surface now knowing that there’s an increased chance that he could pass away. 

I know I would forever regret not reaching out to him and not telling him how much he means to me, how much he has impacted my life, how I’m thinking of him and praying for him, and I’m always here if he ever wants to talk. But I also think that’s crossing an unfair boundary since I am married. So I don’t think I can tell my ex about the fact that I’ve always loved him and always will in a way, and I can’t tell him he can reach out and talk to me if he ever wants to because that’s opening a line of communication and would be considered emotional cheating if my ex ever did respond.

I decided to send a small care package with a letter that essentially thanks him for our time together and all that I learned from him, and offers encouragement and support to show him that I am there for him from afar. But do you think this is even helpful to him? Or do people who have been diagnosed with illness get overwhelmed if too many people from their past are messaging them? Or do they even want an ex to reach out or is that just more of a burden for them? 

I don’t want to selfishly just reach out to make myself feel better. I only want to do it if there’s a chance it could actually make him smile or brighten his day. Is this crossing a boundary for my husband? He initially said he wasn’t comfortable with me reaching out to him, but was OK with me sending a care package. But when we talked about it again recently, he said I could reach out to him if that was what I needed to do. I don’t know how else to let this person go, but I know I need to in order to move forward with my husband. I am hoping that sending this letter and gift to my ex will finally help me move on. But I also am scared; what if it doesn’t help me move on? Then, do I need to reconsider my life with my husband? He deserves to be with someone who is not still in love with someone from her past. 

I know I need to re-start therapy soon and figure out why I’m feeling these things for my ex. But for right now, I just need some guidance from anyone who may be able to relate. Thank you so much in advance.

– Care Package