I told my ex we should be friends
This question came in from a reader of The B-Side, which featured a mini-Love Letters today because it’s Valentine’s Week. If you don’t get the B-Side newsletter, there’s lots of good stuff in there.
Q.
I was wondering if it’s bad that I still talk to my ex. This past Thanksgiving season, my long-distance boyfriend broke up with me, and quickly after shared that he was wrong and actually wanted to stay together.
I decided not to take him back but said we should stay friends.
I have continued to talk to him while we are long-distance, and sometimes the conversations get heated, but I have set the boundary that we are not dating. Should I keep talking to him or should I completely cut him off?
– Still Talking
A.
It sounds like you want to keep the relationship – and the flirtation – alive. That’s fine, as long as it’s OK with him.
If he wants to get back together, this vague communication might be painful for him. It would be a grownup thing to say, “Hey, I know it’s confusing, but this friendship is what I can offer right now. I hope it’s good for you, too. If not, I’ll count on you to let me know.”
My very uneducated guess is that you’re leaving things a bit open, just in case you wind up in the same location in the future. Again, all of this works as long as no one feels manipulated, used, or mistreated. If both of you understand that permanent decisions are difficult right now, enjoy the space and pay attention to how the relationship evolves.
– Meredith
Readers? Is vague always bad? Should they talk about their new dynamics?
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