Q.

(Warning, I am going to write a lot. I love details.)

My ex and I broke up almost a year ago, and I still think about them way too much. I’m in a really great healthy relationship with someone new, and I can’t help but feel like a villain for still thinking about this other person.

For context, my ex was my first love, although not my first partner. We knew each other for about two years total and dated for a year and a half. We broke up pretty much a year to the day after saying “I love you.” I was not their first love, and was like their seventh girlfriend. Their family came to love me, I traveled to their hometown, etc. We did not have a very healthy relationship; it was a pretty classic anxious/avoidant one, wherein I was obviously anxious. I stayed in the relationship way too long, let them do a lot of hurtful things, and my friends were all exasperated by the time we broke up, and relieved when it finally happened. 

The relationship brought out the worst in me and I don’t consider myself blameless in the toxic dynamic. Still, there was a lot of care in our relationship, throughout. I really was so deeply in love, in a way that changed my entire life. I think I have a balanced perspective of what was, recognizing all the problems and pitfalls and not demonizing it either. 

I am great at being single, I have a strong relationship with my identity and my self worth, and I don’t fear emotional discomfort. 

When we broke up, my ex asked me to stay friends, and I said I needed no contact temporarily to heal. I joked that I couldn’t imagine seeing them date anyone else yet and they said “I won’t be dating anyone for a long time.” I asked for three to six months. They told me they were going to reach out the moment three months passed and told me not to ghost them. I promised. Three months later they didn’t reach out, although in that period of time someone I suspected (and confirmed) to be their new girlfriend started appearing on my social media, looking at my stories and liking my old posts. 

Six months later, my ex still did not reach out. I felt betrayed. I can’t believe they would discard me from their life entirely. 

To be clear, I don’t want a close friendship or to hang out. But they were my first love. I can’t rectify that I mean nothing to them, while they will always hold this place to me. It’s like they’ve stolen a piece of my soul. I don’t know how their new partner factors into it all, but they do things they didn’t for me, like make lovey Spotify playlists. I think they’re much more committed to this person than they were to me after 1.5 years. Which stings, sure, but it’s OK. I hope we all get something more fulfilling than what my ex and I had. 

About four or five months post-breakup I started dating again, but only casually. In that time, I met “G”. G didn’t seem to be looking for anything serious but by our second date it became clear we really, really liked talking to each other. We went slow, calling it a courtship. Eight months after our first date, we are in a committed relationship. G is deeply considerate, our relationship built on trust and a sense of safety. I feel a sense of security that is so far away from the frenetic, desperate state I lived in for a year with my ex. Sometimes I panic because it doesn’t feel as intense as my past relationship, which had so many arguments and nights of just crying myself to sleep, but also had waves of euphoria when we were in a good place. 

G doesn’t consume me, but I do think about them often, and I do have so much care for them. Sometimes I tell myself this is what an actual healthy relationship looks like. Sometimes I worry I am leading G along, letting them fall for me and setting them up for heartbreak. 

Now it is reaching the year mark of my breakup with my ex. I thought it would be better by now. And it is better! But I still think of my ex every single day. Most days it is brief and I can swat it away, but over time it builds up, it bothers me, I want to lash out. I’ve even texted my ex a few times, something I haven’t really told any of my friends. Nothing crazy, but things like “When did you decide you didn’t want me in your life?” and they answer vaguely or not at all. I have talked about this somewhat with G, but I don’t want them to feel bad, to think I want my ex back. I do not. I am so lucky to have G. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I tell myself it is because I am a person who cares deeply, and I take comfort in the fact that I will always choose to care even if it is hard. But I don’t know if this will ever go away.

A friend joked I should go to a hypnotist, which is something I’d never have considered previously, but it’s getting to the point where I’d do anything. Do I go to therapy about this? What is wrong with me? Will I ever recover?

– Still Thinking