I know he's not husband material

Thursday | April 24, 2025

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I know he’s not husband material

I am so confused about what to do. I have been with my boyfriend for three years now. We are both 30, have lived together for two years, and both want marriage and children.

As our friends have started to get engaged, I have been excited for them … and maybe for me. But tonight an engagement made me realize that I don’t think my boyfriend would be good husband or father material. We rarely go out, his work and friends always come first, he rarely cleans, and we’ve had no sex life for the past year.

Although we have no major arguments or fights, deep down I know he isn’t the one for me. I don’t want to break up and I’m scared.

Neither of us can afford the rent if we break up and take on the lease by ourselves. Plus, there are no affordable places for me to move into in the area. We have eight months left on the lease, and it feels like I would be without a home if we broke up.

So what do I do? He is a wonderful boyfriend. I love him but I don’t think he is the one for me as a husband.

– Scared

This is why roommates were invented.

There are a lot of people out there who need to find – and share – an affordable, comfortable place to live. Look for them as soon as possible.

As you do this, talk to your boyfriend about breaking up. Be honest about how you feel, and then come up with a practical plan for separation. Maybe someone can move in, to replace one of you, and the person moving out can find a new place where rent is shared. It sounds like he has friends who might join him to make this easier.

If you can’t find any good living situations, you might have to move a few more miles away from where you are now. Depending on your community, you can try reaching out to your local housing office/agency for advice about what you might find for your income.

The thing is, this is inevitable. You don’t want to stay with this man for another eight months, because what happens then? It doesn’t sound like this will get any easier, so you might as well get moving.

Start the conversation. Explain that you haven’t been able to see a happy future together because the two of you have different priorities. Maybe he’s been feeling this way too.

Perhaps it can be an amicable breakup, where both of you help each other take next steps and wish each other the best. This might be less scary once you get the ball rolling.

– Meredith

Readers? Another housing-focused letter. How have dealt with housing at the end of a relationship? What if breaking up seems unaffordable?

What’s on your mind about living with someone, becoming single again, dating, love, loss, complicated friendships, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].