Could use your opinion (though I have to admit I don’t agree with many of your takes). I’m a married man in my 40s. Happy family, kids, etc. Yet boredom/lack of excitement has led me to stray in the past, and while there was excitement about sex, it never really seemed good after the fact. I’ve never had a “romance” with another woman, and the hassles, the guilt, and the questionable payoff all made it seem not a good deal at the end of the day. I met some younger women but none I had a mental connection with. (Obviously this brings the question of what drives me to repeat but I have no answer).

A few months ago, I met this younger woman. The (mutual) plan was to have a casual, no-strings physical thing, and as it turned out, I totally fell for her. Not only was the sex out of this world, I found her to be an amazing person, a unique and rare spirit that lit up my world. I knew what kind of relationship we had yet got quite caught up. It’s not like we saw a ton of each other, but as much as possible, and not always leading to sex; we had lunches/dinners and went out to various events. Recently, when I tried to set up a meeting, she texted me she that was having a date. My heart just stopped, and though I shouldn’t have been surprised, I was. I was away for a week after that and when I got back she basically put our connection on hold. It felt like the worse breakup of my life. I know we’re not in the same place in our lives. She’s a grad student and her life is full of meeting new people and having new experiences, and with her looks and personality she could find hundreds of men each day. I know I was blessed to be with someone so open-minded, yet the thought of her disappearing completely from my life is very sad. I realize some of my feelings are about my own life and satisfaction, but a (very) good chunk of it is her. We enjoy each other’s company and I think the world of her.

I know this is an issue I shouldn’t have to begin with. I know I cannot have my cake and eat it too. I know I came on a bit strong with my “feelings” (telling her I want “more”). But I strongly know I want her in my life, in whatever capacity. I’ve lost much sleep and appetite since our last conversation and felt physically ill. I know: I’m married, etc. I can’t say if this woman is my match made in heaven (and I certainly won’t presume I am her “one”), but isn’t it okay to actually listen to one’s heart?

– Bleeding heart