I feel like the other woman

Thursday | August 15, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I feel like the other woman

What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Friendships? Dating? Divorce? Adjusting to change? Ask your own question. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

We have known each other for years, and although we were never in a relationship, the chemistry has always been present.

We connected well and enjoyed each other’s company. We hooked up a few months ago while he was still in another relationship – and then we decided we want to give it a go. I was a bit hesitant at first because I did not want to be the other women, but I agreed.

Our feelings were just so strong for each other. I now learned from others that she broke up with him because she wanted to be with someone else. We connect so well, but he seems distant at times. I do understand that it might be because he is going through a rough patch over their breakup. Even though he declared his love for me and didn’t want to let me go while he was still involved with her.

I told him more than once that I don’t want to be the other woman and that I should go, but he always succeeds in convincing me to stay with him. I know he is hurting, but I am hurting, too. It feels like he is pushing me away at times.

Any advice on how to handle this the right way? I don’t want to be cold toward him as I know he needs support, but I also don’t want to get hurt by his cold response at times.

How do I get him to talk about his breakup? Because his response to it is as if though he is attacking me. I should not be feeling hurt due to his breakup. Should I give him space and allow him to talk about it when he is ready, seeing that he did not mention it to me, but he is posting songs and memes about breakups?

– Hurt

I’m thinking about breakups in polyamorous relationships – and how complicated it can be for a person to grieve the end of a connection in front of other partners.

It’s fraught, based on what I’ve seen. And that’s when everyone has opted in to the arrangement.

You chose what you have, despite knowing the relationship’s limitations. That said, you and your significant other failed to agree to any terms or boundaries. He didn’t promise to keep you in the loop about his relationship status with his girlfriend. The two of you didn’t figure out what would happen if you became his only partner.

Would you be promoted to a primary significant other? Would he seek other company?

It sounds like he is upset about the breakup and doesn’t want you involved in any of those feelings. That makes sense; it would just be nice if he said that and treated you well.

The bigger issue here is what happens now, and whether you’re in an exclusive (or transparently open) relationship that makes you happy. It doesn’t sound like it.

If you don’t want to be the other woman, this might not be the relationship for you. And it is OK to walk away. He might try to keep you around, but you can say no, block numbers, and leave.

Love isn’t everything. There should be respect, honesty, and kindness, too.

– Meredith

Readers? Should this LW stick around? If they do, how much should they expect to know about this breakup?

Ask your own question. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Dating Cheating Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

It seems like you’re ignoring your needs and focusing more on his. I.e. by allowing him to convince you to stay when you feel like you shouldn’t. He doesn’t want to be alone, yet he pushes you away. Even though he met you and his ex met someone else, he’s still processing the end of a relationship and who knows, may be feeling some regret even if it’s not rational.

What do YOU want? Maybe if you take a step back and give him time and space, your relationship will be stronger for it when you re-connect. Or…maybe you’ll meet someone else, or he will.

dangleparticiple Share Thoughts