I feel angry, sad, embarrassed, betrayed ...

Wednesday | January 24, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I feel angry, sad, embarrassed, betrayed …

What’s been on your mind about your single/dating/married experiences? Ask anything. It helps others who have similar questions.

Submit an anonymous letter here or email
[email protected].

Dear Meredith,

I am looking for your help on how I can move forward with this situation. I dated someone for three years after his divorce. He had promised me he was over the divorce, even though we got together pretty soon after. They were married for almost 20 years.

Throughout our relationship he gave me clues that he was not really over it. He refused to acknowledge her in public, he was angry when I let her in our house, he didn’t like the idea of her dating, etc. I tried to be nice to her because they had children together and I saw it was hard on them. I forged a tentative friendship with her and immediately saw how it benefited the children. I tried to do the best for everyone involved. Eventually I realized I was doing the best for everyone except myself. I was giving too much and not receiving much in return.

He would constantly pick fights with me over trivial things and it became harder to justify to myself why I needed to stay in the relationship. I finally decided to move out and move on with my life. Initially, he tried to get me back. He went to therapy and said he was trying to be better, but I knew it was not what I wanted, so we did not reconcile. Later, I found out that he had instead reconciled with his ex-wife and now they are back together (shortly after I moved out). Now I do not speak to him or her. I also am not in contact with the children, which makes me sad. Just when I think I am getting better, something will set me back. During the holidays it was seeing a family ornament we had made, or running into them acting as a happy family again.

It hurts my heart and I wish I didn’t feel this way. I continue to pursue therapy for myself but I am still struggling. Overall, I feel all sorts of emotions – sadness at the loss of the relationship with the children, anger at him (and her), embarrassment imagining they were pursuing something together behind my back, betrayal at her promise that I would continue to be a part of the children’s lives, uselessness that I am not worthy of being loved appropriately, loss over my previous life. Is there anything else I can do to move past this or do you think it just takes time? Thank you for listening.

– Struggling

I understand why you feel every one of those feelings! You lost so much after working hard to make everyone happy. This grief might last a while, and it won’t be a linear process, of course.

For the record, I got angry on your behalf, reading your letter. Then sad. Then furious. I wasn’t embarrassed – there’s no reason for shame here – but I understand why your brain goes there.

After reading your letter a second and third time, I felt … second-hand relief, which seems worth mentioning.

I felt this, as a third party who wants happiness for you, because I think your decision to leave was a shortcut to a much better status quo. Now you’ll have the chance to build something that doesn’t involve negotiating with a bunch of people who can’t put you first.

Easy for me to say, I know.

Relationships take effort, but yours required too much, and it was all for them. You seem open to so much kindness. You embraced a relationship with a partner’s ex to help a family stay healthy.

I believe there are people out there who will be capable of loving you very appropriately.

It does take time. And therapy. And new memories. And new friends.

Take care of yourself. Embrace the new. If you run into them again, call someone funny. Laughing helps.

– Meredith

Readers? Anything to help speed this process along?

Dating Single parents Breakups 🖤 Divorce

Featured Comment

“Consider what you have learned as a result of this relationship. You are not the same person who entered it, you now know with certainty when someone isn’t over a divorce and won’t put yourself there wholeheartedly again. You also know you are fully capable of loving selflessly. That’s a strength! Keep up with the therapy to process it all. You will move forward in time and be proud that you made the (good) decision to leave and put yourself first.”

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