I Don’t Want Another Tantrum

Monday | December 19, 2022

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I Don’t Want Another Tantrum

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I’ve been dating this guy for just over five years. He’s definitely got some narcissistic tendencies and a problem with jealousy. I set a boundary with him about that, and he broke up with me. Then immediately changed his mind. He’s done this at least a dozen times, and I get bored with his tantrums. We didn’t live together for a long time, so it was easy to go home or to ask him to leave.

We’d go long periods without an issue and then something would blow it all up. For example, on a vacation we took with his teen child, she accidentally locked the keys in our rental vehicle. This man had a full-blown tantrum, insulting his child, and referring to previous issues that had nothing to do with the current situation.

I sold my home and against my better judgement and moved myself and my stuff into his home, but he and I have had so many fights in the past two months that I finally just packed a bag and moved into a hotel with my dog until I can find a place to buy or rent (I wanted to downsize from my large home anyway, so I have no regrets about that). My stuff is still in his place, but I’m inclined to just leave it behind. I’m very excited to start a new chapter and I wish I could do this without causing a blowup. Know that I’m a serial dater. In my 50-plus years I’ve had dozens of relationships, short and long. So has he. Any advice for someone like me in this situation?

– Leave it Behind

It sounds like you’ve made your decision. Good for you. You’re going to end the relationship, which shouldn’t be a surprise to him at this point. You’re already in a hotel.

Your letter seems to be about how to end the relationship, and whether you should leave your belongings behind. Don’t abandon your things to avoid conflict. You can have a phone conversation with him about your intentions (breaking up, etc.). If he has a tantrum, you can end the call and send a followup email with specifics for what happens next.

If he can handle basic communication, you can figure out a time to stop by to get your things – when he won’t be there. You can also send movers to pick things up. There’s an app called Onward (disclosure: I know it, but have not used it) that was created to help organize breakups – to get people’s stuff out of former residences, and to help them find storage and new housing. Really, I imagine that most moving companies have figured out how to take things away without conflict.

That’s my advice. Make it clear that this is a breakup, get your stuff, and put it in storage as you figure out what’s next. You’re excited to move on. Let it happen.

– Meredith

Readers? Leave things behind? How does the LW avoid more tantrums?

Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

Sounds like one last communication with him needs to happen in all fairness: you letting him know you either will get your stuff very soon or you letting him know he can keep it all/sell/trash your stuff. But whatever is said, do not get back together.

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