People need to be told, at a very young age, that at some point in their lives, they will meet someone, lose their breath, and have a strong feeling that they have come face-to-face with their soul mate.

Then they need to be told that it’s just a feeling, and that if it doesn’t work out with that person, it’s OK. Sometimes the greatest romances start with indifference. Someone being hot at a bus stop does not make them your soul mate.

I am pretty sure your present-day feelings are not about this man. They can’t be. You had a month together decades ago. Even if it was the most magical experience of your life, it’s old news. Life has changed since then.

My theory: if you had spent more time single after that breakup, you might have left college with a better sense of yourself, the point of romance, and what a good long-term relationship actually looks like. But you didn’t, so let’s focus on where you are.

You still need that sense of self – to understand you have never been an unfinished person looking for a partner to complete you. You are your own thing, who also has a partner and kids. Maybe you’ve made fantastic choices and built a great life. Do you like it? If so, fantastic!

Sign up for therapy to talk about how to accept yourself as you are. This seems to be a you thing, not a couples therapy thing, at least for now. Talk about how to celebrate your path, as opposed to wondering about fictional roads you couldn’t have taken. Think about what’s just yours – passions, hobbies, friends, etc. Maybe you can put more effort into those activities.

Work to understand that you do not know your first love because he’s a lot older, and you never really understood him to begin with (he lied that whole time!).

If you’re already talking to a mental health professional, ask who might give you a new take – and some skills to move on.

– Meredith