A.

Years ago, I was at a “Breakup Summit” – an event hosted by Start Strong and the Boston Public Health Commission. The event was designed to teach teens how to have healthy relationships, and part of it was about learning how to cope with getting dumped/rejected. I kept thinking, “Send adults to this day of learning! We don’t know these lessons! It would help with everything from complex emotions to actual violence in the world!”

That’s why, for this question, I got on a call with Jess Alder, the Boston Public Health Commission’s Start Strong program director. Because honestly, the way Jess helps teens cope and learn is absolutely useful for adults.

First I asked Jess what Start Strong tells young people about dealing with the vulnerability that comes with dating – and even making friends. Basically, if you’re feeling some combination of scared, rejected, and uncomfortable, it’s a good time to look inward to get to know yourself.

Jess said, “We want to be curious about what we think about ourselves when we’re rejected. Are we feeling worthless? Unlovable? Shame? Or are we pivoting to the other side of the spectrum and having thoughts of, ‘Well, they didn’t deserve me anyway! I’m amazing! I don’t have anything to change.’ There’s a spectrum of responses, and within that spectrum, there are a host of consequences that can be really great and helpful – but also can be really harmful. When a young person comes to us … it’s an opportunity to explore and reflect. With adults, the same themes arise. What’s difficult is that there’s this timestamp that comes with being an adult. If you want to have kids, there’s a biological reality. (It’s not the only way to have kids, of course.) … You [might] have thoughts like, ‘Is this how my life is always going to be? Is there something inherently wrong with me? This has been the story of my life. It’s rejection after rejection.’”

How can adults deal with these overwhelming feelings? Back to what Start Strong tells teens. Basically, they invite young people to consider their actual relationship goals. Not hashtag #relationshipgoals – what you see on Instagram – but real relationship goals. As in, what do you really want? Most likely, the person who rejected you wasn’t going to give you that anyway. I love this advice, by the way – shifting the focus to what you desire, as opposed to why someone might have rejected you. Feel bad for a bit, but then ask, “What now?”

Jess said, “We have a tool that’s a ‘healthier relationship quiz’, and you can find that on our website. [It asks] you to explore what you want in a relationship. You can think about a friendship, or maybe a guardian-child relationship, or a romantic relationship.”

Jess says rejection is supposed to feel bad, but there are ways to move past it. Start Strong has a tool that’s a “Self-Care Wheel”; I might start using it myself.

“If you imagine a quadrant in the top left corner, it would say ‘social.’ In the top right, it would say ’emotional’. On the bottom left, ‘mental’ and on the bottom right, ‘spiritual.'” We ask young people to share three things they can do in each of those quadrants. When they’re feeling a bit ungrounded, they can select two quadrants and focus on one of the bullet points in each of those.”

Some activities that might fit in the chart? Going on a walk with friends. For me, it might be writing. 

Jess said, with great empathy (and some laughter), “I mean … being vulnerable is the worst.”

It’s true. But, she also said, “It can yield really exquisite shared moments – and when I say shared moments, it can be internally with yourself, but also with others. Building connection and harmony with somebody, and having someone in your life who really enhances who you are, is spectacular, and it’s impossible to get there without vulnerability.”

It’s true, it’s uncomfortable, but that’s life. The whole thing is the deep end of the pool, but we’re all in it.

– Meredith

Readers? How have you learned to deal with rejection? Has the fear of it stopped you?

Send your own question. I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].